Parashat Ki Teitzei: Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

Parashat Ki Teitzei contains 74 commandments, more than any other parashah in the Torah. Among them is the law of the yefas to’ar, the woman captured during war whom a Jewish soldier desires to marry. Under specific circumstances, the Torah permits such a marriage.

Immediately afterward, however, the Torah discusses a man with two wives, one beloved and one unloved, followed by the laws of the ben sorer u’moreh, the rebellious son. Why are these three subjects placed together?

The Talmud explains that the sequence itself teaches a lesson. A man sees a beautiful woman during war and, overcome by desire, decides to marry her. The Torah permits it, recognizing the extraordinary circumstances in which the soldier finds himself. But permission does not mean approval. The Torah warns him where such a decision may lead.

A marriage based primarily on physical attraction, without considering character, values, and spiritual compatibility, may eventually become an unhappy one. The woman who was once so desirable may become the “unloved wife.” The instability in the home may then affect the next generation, leading ultimately to the rebellious son.

When a person marries, he should think not only about the person standing before him, but about the home they will build together, the children they will raise, and even the grandchildren who may follow.

Think of hot water being poured from one vessel into another. Each time it is transferred, some heat is lost. The hotter the water is at the beginning, the more warmth will remain in the second and third vessels. So too, we must maintain a high spiritual “temperature” within ourselves if we hope to transmit that warmth to our children and grandchildren.

But there is a deeper question. If the Torah permits the soldier to marry this woman, what has he done wrong?

To understand the answer, consider a story.

I remember an immigrant to Israel who suffered from weak lungs and chronic asthma. At the same time, he was a heavy smoker. His doctors strictly forbade him to smoke, and his family watched him carefully, but he still searched for opportunities to sneak a cigarette.

One day, he found a place where he thought he could smoke undisturbed: a fuel depot. Signs were posted everywhere warning that smoking was prohibited and subject to a fine.

He lit a cigarette anyway.

When he was caught, he managed to talk his way out of the fine. “I am a new oleh,” he explained. “I don't read Hebrew yet. I didn't understand the signs.”

Clever, wasn't it?

He had found a way around the prohibition against smoking there. But had he found a way around what smoking was doing to his lungs?

That is the point.

A Torah commandment has two dimensions. It is the command of the Almighty, which we fulfill whether or not we understand its reason. But it is also like a doctor's prescription, given for our own spiritual well-being.

God does not demand what is beyond a person's ability. The Torah recognizes the tremendous temptation facing a soldier during war and therefore provides a permitted path for the yefas to’ar. Yet the Torah immediately warns him about the possible consequences of taking that path.

There is an important lesson here for everyday life: Not everything that is permissible is necessary.

A person can sometimes remain technically within the law and still make a terrible decision. Something may be permitted, yet harmful to his family, his character, or his spiritual future. The question cannot always end with, “Am I allowed to do this?” Sometimes we must also ask, “Is this what I should do?”

Every mitzvah is intended to elevate and sanctify us. That is why, before performing many mitzvos, we say that God “sanctified us with His commandments.” The mitzvos are not merely restrictions to navigate around. They are instructions for how to live.

The smoker may have escaped the fine because he could not read the sign. His lungs, however, did not care about his clever explanation.

The Torah asks us to understand the same thing about life. Finding a way to say, “It isn't forbidden,” does not necessarily mean we have found the right way to live.

Parashat Ki Teitzei sponsored by Ilya & Tammy Zavolunov.