Look At Yourself First

“You shall not hate your brother in your heart, you shall surely rebuke your fellow man and not allow sin over him.”

When a person feels the necessity to rebuke his neighbor, there are certain factors that he needs to take into consideration. Rabbenu the Hida quoting Maharash Ozida, says that one has to rebuke in a way that his words will penetrate the heart of the other person. Shlomo HaMelech, ’a”h, said, הוֹכַח לְחָכָם וְיֶאֱהָבֶֽךָּ – “Rebuke the wise one and he will love you.”

That translation is the simple meaning. However, we should attempt to understand it at a deeper level. When you rebuke another person, you should praise him and mention his good deeds and traits, tell him that he is wise and so on, and add, “How could a person of such a caliber do such and such a thing?”

When the Ohr Hachayim comments on Moshe Rabbeinu, ’a”h, last words to the children of Israel, he mentions that he waited till they had reached the other side of the Jordan river, which was their final destination. He knew that they would not listen to his reproaches before that, because they were impatient and not in the right frame of mind.

Chacham Yosef Chaim, ’a”h, says in Ben Ish Hai Derashot, that the verse הוֹכֵחַ תּוֹכִיחַ אֶת־עֲמִיתֶךָ “You shall surely rebuke your fellow man,” comes to tell us that when you wish to rebuke someone, the correct course of action is to rebuke “your fellow man,” meaning a friend, who was not guilty of your rebuke. By doing so in front of the guilty party, the latter hears the rebuke, but since it is not intended for him, he does not feel affronted. Nevertheless, having heard the rebuke, he refrains from doing the same thing in the future.

הוֹכֵחַ תּוֹכִיחַ אֶת־עֲמִיתֶךָ is a double Lashon, two words to say the same thing. One explanation for why this is so, is that it comes to tell us that before one comes to rebuke another, one must look closely at oneself and rebuke oneself, if necessary. In other words, one must ask oneself how many sins one has committed oneself, towards the Holy One blessed be He, and despite this, He forgave him. Therefore, one must rebuke oneself first before rebuking the other and, as a result, one will forgive him. This is an explanation for וְלֹֽא־תִשָּׂא עָלָיו חֵֽטְא (You shall not allow sin over him).

He tells a story that he says he heard about a king. There was a thief who was caught stealing and, after a trial, was sentenced to death by hanging. The thief announced that he accepted the punishment, but before he died, he wished to share with the king, a most extraordinary secret that only he knew. If he died before transmitting this information, it would be lost forever, and this he wanted to avoid at all costs.

The king asked what it was. The thief replied that he was able to take the seed of a fruit tree and with special incantations that he would recite, he would plant it. The miracle was that after no more than 30 minutes, it would grow into a fully formed tree that bears fruit.

The king, his deputy and the treasurer all the royal retinue, came to the palatial gardens to witness this amazing feat. The thief requested that a seed be brought as well as various other instruments. He recited his verses and announced that the time had come to plant the seed in the soil. He then stopped and announced that there was one caveat. In order for this to work, the person who did the planting had to be totally and utterly devoid of any hint of stealing. He turned to the king and said, “Your majesty, it is will known that I am a convicted felon and thief. I am unable to be the one to plant the seed”.

He then turned to the king’s deputy and asked him to be the one to honor them with planting the seed. The deputy was embarrassed and blushed profusely. He explained that when he was young, he was involved in the expenses of his father’s house, and he would make money by inflating the expenses and taking from his father more than he actually spent. Therefore, he said that he could not be the one to plant the seed.

He then went to the treasurer and requested him to be the one to plant the seed. “Well”, commented the treasurer, “as you know I am the treasurer. All the wealth and money of the king passes through my hands. I try to be very precise, but it is possible that I made an error here and there, once in a while, and accidentally took more money than i was entitled to. I’m embarrassed to say that I cannot be the one to plant the seed”.

The thief turned to the king and said, “Your majesty, you heard what your loyal subjects just said. It would appear that there is no one here, other than your majesty, who is worthy and honest enough to plant the seed. Now, your majesty, kindly honor us with the planting of this seed.”

The king turned a darker shade of crimson than his deputy had done, and more even than the royal robe. He said that once, when he was young, he saw his father with a beautiful necklace made of very precious and expensive gems. He just couldn’t resist, and when the opportunity arose, he stole it. “So you see”, he added, “my hands are not free from guilt either. I will not be able to be the one to plant the seed.”

The thief slapped his face and fell to the king’s feet. “Your majesty”, he said, “your deputy confessed to having stolen. Your treasurer admitted being a little flexible with the king’s treasure. Even you yourself admitted to having stolen, so why are you condemning me to death for the same thing? Not only that, my only reason for stealing was on account of my poverty and hunger, and desire to put some food in my mouth.”

The king was embarrassed at his own admission and moved by the plea and wisdom of the thief, and gave him a full pardon.

When you come to rebuke your neighbor with whom you are angry, first reprove yourself. This will open your eyes to your own shortcomings and make you much more forgiving about his.

---

Rabbi Ya’aqob Menashe is a renowned author and lecturer, whose Shiurim continue to inspire thousands around the world. Many can be seen at www.NonstopTorah.com. His daily Torah Minutes are eagerly anticipated by thousands every morning. They can be seen at www.ATorahMinute.com. Rabbi Menashe is the spiritual leader of Midrash BEN ISH HAI. More information is available at the Midrash website, www. Midrash.org.