LEAKED! Trump’s Plans For Israel

I recently holidayed at the famed Trump resort, Mar-a-Lago. While it had all the amenities one would expect from a Trump property (golden gilded holes in the roof, gold-leaf toilet paper, Trump Bibles available in the minibar, etc.), what was most surprising was just how uncomfortable the beds were. All night long, I struggled to find a position that didn’t feel crinkly or make a strange sound every time I moved. Finally, at around 3 a.m., I couldn’t take it anymore. I got out of bed and tore the golden sheets off to see what the issue was. To my surprise, I found the mattress layered with documents labeled “Top Secret Plans for Israel.” I spent the rest of the night reading. I have written below a breakdown of those plans.

Some of this shouldn’t come as a surprise, as President Trump had already stated a desire to turn Gaza into the Riviera of the Middle East, but the depths of those goals go much deeper. According to the documents I’ve read, President Trump’s plan for all of Israel is to turn it into the latest timeshare branch of the Trump Hotel chain.

 

The Pitch:

If you are a tyrant, dictator, oligarch, or trillionaire, you may only have 10–15 more summers to invade and ultimately take over a country before you are overthrown, assassinated, or finally move into your Martian dream home. Wars are expensive and exhausting to plan. When you finally get a break from oppressing your own citizens—or your shareholders—all you really want to do is invade somewhere new. The average dictator promises at least two hostile takeovers a year, but those promises are rarely fulfilled. That’s why Trump’s Israel Timeshare is “the perfect solution.”

Why invade a country when you can skip all the warlording and jump right into the pleasures of being an autocrat? Anyone from Kim Jong Un to Elon Musk can now run Israel for up to two weeks a year. With Trump’s Israel Timeshare, anyone* can be an owner! It just makes economic sense, especially with those torch-carrying villagers due at your compound any day now.

*Anyone pertains to those with enough money to be considered relevant.

 

How to Apply:

Make a direct deposit of $100 billion directly into a special Cayman Islands account controlled by the Trump family.

Take a photo of your official submission to the Nobel Foundation nominating President Trump for the Peace Prize, or create your own Peace Prize, for which President Trump is the only nominee.

Sign over rights to all the oil, rare earth metals, and other natural resources (found or yet to be discovered) in your country to the Trump family in perpetuity.

Submit a 1,000-word essay on your views of AI’s role in the future of global domination and automation of civilian oversight and control. Just kidding—it’s a vacation. You’re supposed to have some fun.

 

How it Works:

Buying into Trump’s Israel Timeshare could not be simpler…

 

Amenities

Ben Gurion Airport will be renamed Trump International Airport Israel, where every arriving passenger will be greeted by a life-size animatronic President Trump enthusiastically proclaiming, “Welcome home!”

The Red Sea will be dyed American Flag Red so that it can truly live up to its name.

The city of Eilat will be renamed to I Like Trump Eilat.

Falafel will be replaced with bun-less patties throughout the country as the national snack. Diet Coke will remain just as popular.

During peak tourist season, all residents will be temporarily reclassified as hotel guests and charged mandatory resort fees every time they leave the house.

Yes, President Trump’s timeshare vision for the future of Israel truly seems like heaven on earth for the worst of the worst. Unfortunately, I will not be there to see it happen because Mar-a-Lago has already billed me for removing the sheets to investigate the mattress, confiscated my commemorative golden toilet paper, and charged me a premium “mattress inspection fee.” Turns out curiosity isn’t included in the resort package.

By Joshua Kail, America’s Rebbitzman