The Listening Corner

The following question was emailed to me last week

Dear David, I’m worried about my best friend. We used to be inseparable, traveling the world together, but things changed about three years ago when we started working at the same office.

Now, she's acting completely different. At work, she sometimes can’t follow a simple conversation, has to put her head down when we talk, and often just walks out when the office group is together. When I ask her what's going on, she just changes the subject.

I know she's stressed, but it feels like more than that. Her brother says she’s not acting like herself at home either. She’s only 23.

How do I help a close friend who is clearly struggling with her mental health but refuses to talk about it? What’s the kindest, most effective way to help her get the proper support she needs?"

-Sarah

Thank you, Sarah, for bravely sharing your personal question this week. Your vulnerability opens the door for so many others. I also want to sincerely thank everyone who reached out to show support for The Listening Corner.

It’s clear that mental health is a critical, often unspoken problem in our community. Too often, these struggles are kept secret, which only compounds the pain and anguish for those who suffer. This column exists to change that—to bring these vital conversations into the light.

 

Dear Sarah,

The pain of watching a close friend withdraw is immense, especially when you know her behavior isn't normal. You are noticing classic signs of distress and overwhelm: the inability to focus in conversation, the need to physically disengage (putting her head down), and the avoidance of social situations. These symptoms, confirmed by her family, strongly suggest your friend, at 23, is struggling with more than just work stress—she may be experiencing burnout, anxiety, or depression.

Your goal is to get her help, but forcing the issue will likely backfire and push her further away. Here is a sensitive, caring, and effective three-step approach.

1. Prioritize Connection Over Diagnosis

The most powerful thing you can offer right now is a non-judgmental space. Your friend may be avoiding conversations because she feels ashamed, exhausted, or simply lacks the emotional energy to articulate her feelings.

• Avoid the "What's wrong?" question: This often feels like a demand for a complex answer she doesn't have.
• Use I-Statements: Instead of focusing on her behavior, share your feelings and observations in a caring way.

Say: "I've noticed you haven't seemed like yourself lately, and I miss our old connection. I’m worried about you, and I want you to know I'm here to listen, without judgment, whenever you're ready."

• Focus on Small Acts of Kindness: Offer practical, low-pressure support. Bring her favorite coffee, send her a funny meme, or just sit quietly with her. Let her feel your steady presence.

2. Offer Pathways, Not Pressure️

When she feels seen and supported, gently introduce the idea of professional help. Since she is resistant to talking, make the first step incredibly small and non-committal.

• Normalize the Struggle: Share a brief story (even an anonymous one) about someone who benefited from therapy. Emphasize that seeking help is a sign of strength and self-care, not failure.
• Offer to Do the Heavy Lifting: The barrier to entry for therapy—finding a provider, making the call—can be too much for someone who is already depleted.

Say: "You don't have to go to therapy, but how about we look at some resources together? I can find a few therapists' websites and just show them to you. No pressure to call anyone."

• Suggest an Indirect Route: Since her brother is concerned, maybe she would be willing to talk to a family doctor (GP) first. The GP can rule out any physical causes and often provide referrals or basic mental health screenings in a familiar medical setting.

3. Take Care of Yourself and Involve the Family

You are a good friend, but you cannot fix this on your own. Her withdrawal is not a reflection of your failure as a friend.

• Partner with the Family: You mentioned her brother is noticing changes. Talk to him about your observations and coordinate your approach. As family, they may have more leverage to insist on a doctor's visit. A unified front of care is crucial.
• Set Healthy Boundaries: Be available, but don't sacrifice your own well-being. Continue living your life. Her journey is hers, and you can only be a supportive lighthouse, not the whole rescue boat.
• Remember the Crisis Intervention Rule: If her behavior ever escalates to the point where she seems to be an immediate danger to herself or others, the sensitive approach shifts immediately. In that instance, the right thing to do is call an emergency service or a crisis hotline immediately.

Final Word: You have already taken the most important step: seeing your friend's struggle with clarity and compassion. Continue to be the constant, reliable force in her life. That consistent lOve may be the greatest form of therapy she receives until she's ready to open the door to a professional.

Thank you once again to everyone who has read and supported The Listening Corner. Your engagement makes this column possible.

Next issue, we'll shift our focus to a difficult but essential topic: The Disconnect. We will explore the gap that often forms between a family trying to cope with a loved one's diagnosis and the person who actually has the diagnosis—the unique struggles and misunderstandings on both sides.

Please continue sending any mental health questions you might have my way to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. I look forward to hearing from you

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David Kahan, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) and psychotherapist, has a private practice and is accepting new clients. He has over a decade of experience. He can be found on Headway and reached via email at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at 718-350-5408.