It is written in the Talmud that long ago the daughters of Yerushalyim would go out and dance in the vineyards on Tu B’Av, the 15th of Av. It is said that those who did not have a wife would venture to this area dressed in white. The sacred Talmud went so far to declare this day the greatest holiday only behind Yom Kippur. Many also chose to begin with each other a Happy New Year as Tu B’Av falls 45 days prior to Rosh Hashanah.
At Beth Gavriel in Forest Hills, Tu B’Av was celebrated with a special shiur organized by CHAZAQ on Torah and psychology given by Rabbi Yirmiyahu Cohen. Entitled, “From Dating to Marriage and Shalom Bayit,” the lecture took a crowd of young men and women on the roller coaster ride of being a young adult growing up in a modern age. The rabbi noted that when married, one should not engage a partnership of equal proportions of if this, then that. Meaning, it is not a fifty-fifty world where one must exchange one deed for another, just because. One should approach marriage with an “unconditional giving” attitude of each spouse contributing one hundred percent of themselves.
The day of Tu B’Av is held in high esteem and those with family or friends seeking a life partner spend extra time praying on their behlaf. One point that struck home for listeners was when Rabbi Cohen suggested that once married each spouse should continue to lead their lives as if they were still in dating mode. Generally, this would include a focus on special attention and care to one another, as well as good manners shared. The rabbi lectured about a healthy dating life and fielded questions from the audience about the dating process. Singles often struggle with confusion and battle with their feelings. Oftentimes these singles are redt a shidduch by a matchmaker where the ideals of the potential pair are compared and deemed appropriate, but when out on an actual date may not align. In the words of Rabbi Cohen this was defined as the “wants” being present, but the “needs” lacking. The advice given was for each of the singles present to do some introspection to improve on their middot tovot and fix their faults to find a suitable spouse.
To this end, listeners were eager to know when they should begin the dating process. Rabbi Cohen explained that the initial preparation begins as young as thirteen when the mind begins to take shape in this manner, and one should start thoughts on building good character at this tender age.
May we all merit to find our match at the correct time.
By Shabsie Saphirstein
Marriage Is Not A 50/50 Partnership
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