Building Proper Empathy: Understanding Social Anxiety

People with physical ailments often receive support and understanding. Yet, for those battling mental health challenges, the response is sometimes avoidance or stigma, leading to isolation. As one client told me: “We feel sidelined, neglected, and a lack of love. Not only do we suffer, but we often have to do so silently, unable to reach out to many because of the stigma.” This article is for anyone who has felt this way, and for those looking to better understand and support them.

As a licensed clinical social worker, I hope to help foster genuine empathy for people struggling with mental health challenges—specifically, social anxiety.

What Does Social Anxiety Feel Like?

To truly empathize, put yourself in the shoes of someone with social anxiety. People I’ve worked with describe a persistent fear of judgment and scrutiny. Imagine being in a crowd and feeling every eye is on you, convinced that every thought is a negative one. This experience can bring intense physical and emotional pain.

Common experiences include:

A sense of being watched: Many feel terrified when standing in a group, convinced others are judging them harshly. They often wish they could become invisible.

Fear of speaking: Speaking up provokes anxiety—clients worry they’ll say the wrong thing and be met with ridicule. The shame can become so overwhelming they may choose to remain silent.

Physical symptoms: The anxiety can cause sweating, a racing heartbeat, and other intense physical sensations.

Avoidance: Many opt to withdraw from crowds and decline social invitations, simply to avoid discomfort.

Self-critique after socializing: After a conversation, some will repeatedly replay it in their mind, agonizing over every perceived mistake.

These are just a few snapshots of the trauma endured by people with social anxiety.

Building Empathy: Imagine Their World

To understand this condition, try to relate it to your own experiences. Imagine your boss telling you there is a more capable candidate for your job, and you must give a major presentation to keep your position. The nerves and self-doubt you’d experience in those moments—the sweating, constant worry, and self-analysis afterward—mirror what someone with social anxiety copes with every day.

How You Can Help

If you know someone who might be struggling, there are ways you can make a real difference:

Pay attention to non-verbal cues: Those with social anxiety may struggle with eye contact, appear fidgety, or stick to the edges of a crowd.

Notice their social patterns: Consistently avoiding large gatherings or leaving events early can be signs of social anxiety.

Create a safe, one-on-one space: Rather than urging them into group settings, offer calm, private interactions.

Ask open-ended questions: This takes pressure off and makes it easier for them to share.

Withhold judgment: Should they stumble over their words, continue the conversation without notice. This gentleness helps foster acceptance.

Empathy is not only a virtue but a mitzvah. By striving to understand and support those with social anxiety, we honor the principle of helping others as we’d wish to be helped.

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David Kahan, LCSW, is a psychotherapist with over a decade of experience. He maintains a private practice, accepting new clients. Find him on Headway, or reach him at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 718-350-5408.