Cry It Out: Yay Or Nay?

 “Crying it out” (CIO) is a controversial topic among mothers. Some say it’s perfectly okay, while others say it’s extremely damaging and hurtful for babies. Other opinions fall between the two extremes. Before I give you my personal opinion on the subject, I think it’s important for you to know a little about me. I am a marriage and family therapist; I work with couples, parents, individuals, and children. I am also a mother of five. My oldest is 12, then comes my 10 year old, my middle child is 6, and my twins are 2. My children are my university; they are my greatest teachers. They provide me with all the challenges I need.

I follow a conscious parenting path. I believe in gentle guidance, connection, and empathy. I also believe in using tools such as natural consequences, listening, and modeling rather than punitive means such as spanking, time-out, grounding, and harsh consequences. I believe that it is important to teach from love. This is not only true for my children but for my clients, friends and family. Dr. Miriam Adahan says, “If it’s not kind, it’s not kosher.” I live by that motto.

And yet, I used a form of CIO with all of my kids. Some of you may call me a monster or a hypocrite. But keep reading and I’ll explain why. I am a person like many others who needs 7-9 hours of sleep to function normally during the day. I cannot have a baby in my bed because every toss and turn wakes me up (not to mention that it wakes my husband up too.) Two cranky parents is a recipe for disaster. I think it’s wonderful when a mother can co-sleep, and I am all for it! But if you can’t, don’t. By no means are you a “bad” mother, nor does it cause your children to be deprived of enough love.

Studies show that lack of sleep causes depression, anxiety, mood swings, and long-term health issues. Depression, anxiety, and mood swings cause us to have very little control of our actions, speech, and behavior. This causes a mother to be more impulsive with her children and her spouse. Children need mothers who are in control and well-rested. Dr. Evan Imber-Black, head of the Marriage and Family Therapy department in Mercy College, believes that when a parent is overtired, the serenity of the marital subsystem is in trouble.

In order for us not to cause damage to our precious babies, we must be loving mothers during the day and strict mothers at night.

It is useful for a child in our culture to learn to sleep through the night during the first half-year of life. By around six months, a baby doesn’t need the nutrition of nighttime feedings.

I don’t believe in the Ferber method, which requires parents to make their children “cry it out.” It’s possible to go in and reassure the child that you are there–not to ignore him completely–but make it clear that you will not pick him up, take him into the bed, etc. I discussed the CIO with Dr. Martha Edwards, Director of Center for the Developing Child & Family, and this is what she had to say:

“Babies/children are incredibly sensitive to their parents’ feelings. If parents are ambivalent about whether they want their children to sleep through the night without them, if parents feel guilty, worried, etc., the child will pick up on it and will not feel comfortable putting himself back to sleep. If the parents are confident that their children can “handle it,” their children pick up on this message and learn to put themselves back to sleep if they wake up in the middle of the night. So it’s important to explore the parents’ feelings about all of this.”

I remember a consult I did with a mother and father whose nine-month-old was waking 4-5 times a night for nursing. When I asked the mother what the message she heard when her child cried at night, she said, “You told me that life would be perfect and it isn’t!” She was astounded at what came out of her mouth and linked it to her parents (who were Holocaust survivors) who, indeed, tried to make everything perfect for her, and she was unconsciously passing this on to her child. Once she heard herself, she was able to realize that she didn’t need to do that for her child. We also talked about the importance of children struggling with learning new things, and that there was nothing wrong with the struggle and, in fact, it is necessary for children to have opportunities to struggle at times. All of this helped both her and her husband to decide it made sense to help their son sleep through the night, and we developed a plan for how to do that. In a week or two, they were all sleeping soundly.

There are many books on more gentle approaches to sleep training. One of my favorites is Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West.

Here is the way I recommend to sleep train: After a nice routine of bath, song, book, and the blessing of Shema (nighttime prayer), kiss your baby goodnight and put her into bed. Rub your baby’s back and sit besides the bed. There will be crying, but your baby will know you are there. Tell your baby every few minutes in a calm relaxed voice, “You’ll be okay.” The more relaxed you are, the more secure your baby will be. Every night, rub less; move farther away until you feel it is okay to leave the room. You can put your nightgown in her bed, give her a blanket she likes, and/or a favorite teddy bear.

NOTE: Never leave a child crying in a room for more the 6-10 minutes. It is halachically (by religious law) not allowed. Go in every 5-10 minutes and rub her or kiss her, while gently placing her in a comfortable position.

This CIO method takes longer than the Ferber but is gentler. The most important thing to remember for everyone is that every person is different, every baby is different, and each situation is different. There is no one right way – rather, there’s a right way for you. So, before we judge someone, we must remember that until we walk in their shoes we will never understand them or their actions (there’s a Hebrew expression for that; ask someone who knows better than me). Unless there is a serious cause of concern that a child is getting abused or neglected, there is no need to give unsolicited advice. Rather, give lots of empathy! Being a family therapist, I quickly learned that people change when they are loved and understood, not judged and demeaned. So, whether you choose to allow your baby to CIO or not, remember to do what’s best for you and your child and hope that your friends and neighbors are capable of doing the same for theirs.

Galit Levi, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist who provides marital, dating, and family therapy. She facilitates children’s workshops on worry and anxiety. Galit can be reached at 646-354-3826 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..