From Worry To Warrior

Imagine you are driving a car down the freeway and your brakes feel like they are failing, so you pull over and you think “something is not right, something is scary; I feel like there is something wrong with my brakes.” So, you take it to the mechanic and he says there is nothing wrong with your brakes and that the car is working fine. He reassures you that you’ll be fine and to just keep driving it. So, you do just that, and then it happens again. So, you tell the people around you what happened, and they all reassure you that the car is fine… Finally, you take it to a new mechanic and he looks at the car and says “I get what you are saying! It’s happening to your car because this is going on… You can still drive it.” All of a sudden you feel safe because the mechanic validated you and gave an explanation to what you  are feeling.

It makes such a difference when we validate our children when they are anxious or scared. When the first mechanic said “Just ignore it, don’t worry; you are safe” it made the person feel worse and unheard, but when the second mechanic said “Oh I get why you feel like this! I GET IT. This is why it feels like your brakes are not working; they are working but this is why you feel it,” suddenly the person felt heard and was able to calmly drive the car . The first step to helping our kids with anxiety and worry is to validate! Reassuring them that everything is ok and that they are safe makes them feel more alone and more scared because their brain is in panic mode, but when we validate their pain and say, “I GET IT! I’m here for you, let’s get through this together,” they start to feel comforted; they can calm their amygdala down and start looking for solutions. The most important thing is to have a conversation when everyone is calm. Start by explaining to children what their anxiety is and where it comes from when they are not in a panic state. They have to understand what’s going on in their brain. Even little kids can get this. Sit them down and say here is what’s going on. There is a good reason for all the things you 
are feeling.

Tap the back of your child’s head and say, “This is where your Baby Brain (BB) is located. It demands instant comfort and pleasure. The Baby Brain has only five ways to get your needs met: act mad, bad, sad, sick and crazy. So, the Baby Brain tells us to hit, argue, nag, grab, lie, kick, scream, swear, pinch, cheat, pout, say bad words, 
and whine.

Next, tap his forehead and say, “Here’s where our Thinking brain is. Like the boss of a company, its job is to think of solutions. It’s not really developed until the age of twenty! Even then, it responds more slowly than the BB! [Note: Don’t make the baby brain seem bad, as that scares children. Instead say, “animal brain”] The BB is like a huge stallion that wants to run wild. Our job is to hold the reins tight and train the Thinking Brain to be in charge. Each time we refuse to listen to our noisy and demanding Baby Brain, the Thinking Brain gets stronger and the Baby Brain gets weaker!” [Note: This is actually true scientifically!]

Continue by introducing AMY to your child. In your brain is the amygdala (AMY). The amygdala is the size of an almond. Its job is to protect you when it thinks that there is something dangerous like traffic coming towards you or a basketball coming to your head it’s going to get you ready to deal with the danger. It’s actually there to protect you. Sometimes it works too hard to protect you, and that’s why you feel the way you do. So sometimes you think there is danger but there isn’t . And what happens when AMY thinks there is danger? When AMY thinks there is a danger it gives you a surge of healthy chemicals that makes you stronger and faster, more powerful and more alert so you can fight the danger or flee the danger. However, normally there is nothing at all to worry about. When you are __________________________(fill in your child’s fear in the blank line) For example: When you are getting dropped off at school there is nothing to worry about, but your brain doesn’t know that and it’s surging all of these things through you so you run away from school or fight any trouble that might be there. That is why you feel the way you do when you have anxiety. You get hot, and your tummy hurts, and you get a racy heart. Every physical symptom has a really good reason to be there. So, what we have to do is to get you back to be in charge of your amygdala. During the day, tap your forehead when you are thinking of solutions and tap the back of your head when you act harshly. Brag when you take control 
over AMY.

Tips to help anxious children:

4-7-8 Breathing Detail:

Sit straight, breathe into your diaphragm (imagine a balloon inflating below your rib cage)

Breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds (quietly)

Hold the breath in for 7 seconds

Breathe out through your mouth for 
8 seconds (audibly)

As a bonus, while you’re breathing, try to focus only on your breaths going in and out. Pretend there is a tiny hole in the balloon and the air is escaping from your mouth

Real Danger vs. Triviality: Ask yourself if this is dangerous or is it triviality? 99% of problems are triviality. When we are in real danger AMY takes over and we don’t have time to think or worry. We are taking care of the problem. So most likely it is a triviality and it will pass.

What Iffing? Amy has been told that she is not allowed to handle What Iffing anymore. Instead, What Iffing is to be handled by The Thinking Brain. How? The Thinking Brain has a system called the Best Case – Worst Case – Most Likely Outcome exercise. Next time you start What Iffing, use the Best Case – Worst Case – Most Likely Outcome exercise to calm your worries down. Ask your child to “Catch” their fear and then investigate what is the Best Case – Worst Case – Most Likely Outcome. In the workshop we used an example about Chana. Chana was very worried about a test. 
After she took a few deep breaths she did the exercises:

Teach your child to rate their anxiety level from 0-10. (10 is a panic attack, and 0 is a breeze)

Practice mindfulness:

-STEP ONE- accepting your feelings and needs . For example, I am feeling really scared and alone at this moment, I need connection and safety. When we learn to connect to our emotions, empathizing with ourselves and understanding to our needs and feelings we begin to shift our way of thinking from negative to positive.

-Step two- investigate! What is my fear? Where do I feel it in my body? What does it look like?

-Step three- take deep breaths. By taking deep breaths we give a message to the amygdale that we are not in danger and we begin to let the cortex (Thinking Brain) take over the brain functions.

-Step four- becoming present. Point out things in the room that you appreciate. The color of the walls, the comfy pillows on the bed, the beautiful variety of colors on the clothing in the closet…

Please remember that we are not trying to stop our children from worry or anxiety. Some kids are more prone to be anxious and thats ok! Our worry is there to protect us. In some children the brain is working particularly hard to protect them. One in five children have a brain that does this. Astronauts, presidents, teachers have anxiety too, but you wouldn’t even know. In a class of 25 maybe 5 other kids have anxiety too. Some of the strongest , bravest people I know have it. Our goal is to learn to MANAGE the anxiety and to get our kids to be in charge of their own brain. Anxiety is a great opportunity to learn resilience and resourcefulness. Taking your child to a therapist is also a great way (sometimes a very necessary way) to help them practice these tools and play through their anxiety.

By Galit Meirov

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Galit Meirov, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist who provides marital, dating, and family therapy. Galit also specializes in helping children and families manage anxiety disorders. Galit can be reached at 646-354-3826 or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.