Giving Space, Growing Stronger

 

As your dating relationship develops and perhaps even moves into engagement and beyond, one extremely important balance that needs to be created is giving each other space. At first, it may seem slightly counter-intuitive. “I am so enthralled and enamored by my chattan or kallah, and I can’t get enough of him or her! Why can’t we spend more time together?” While such feelings may be stemming from a good place and reflect positive emotion, it must be tempered and monitored. Maintaining independence is not merely nice; it is imperative.

The person you are dating or engaged to most certainly has their own specific interests and workload of what they would like to do. And they need that personal, private time to engage in their own separate activities. If you are pushy and demanding to spend with time with them when it inconveniences them, it has the exact opposite effect of that which you are likely trying to achieve. You may think that the more time you spend together before marriage, the deeper and better your relationship will become. But it almost invariably has the opposite effect. It stifles and suffocates the other person and sends the message that their time is not important. They may have a test tomorrow, but you have free time and want to go out. But consider their predicament and position and don’t push them and make them feel bad if they cannot make it.

My mother was inclined to tell me in Arabic, “You may love honey, but don’t lick it too much.” Something may be so sweet, but don’t overdo it. When you create space for your chattan or kallah, or even when married, your husband or wife, you will likely find that you miss them, and they miss you. And that is, contrary to what it may seem, very healthy. The colloquialism “Distance makes the heart grows fonder” was not generated in a vacuum. Give each other space and separation, and you will see, your distance will in fact bring you closer together and keep you earnestly looking forward to seeing one another.

Deep Depths, High Heights

Perek Shira, a compendium of verses ascribed to all aspects of creation which sing praises to Hashem, is full of wisdom and lessons. These verses do not merely bespeak the essence of each element in the world, though, but inspire us to sing to Hashem ourselves and reflect upon His greatness and grandeur.

In specific, we read of the sheaf of wheat which proclaims, “Shir Ha’maalos mi’mamakim k’rasicha Hashem – A song for the Ascents. From the depths have I called You, Hashem” (Tehillim 130:1). You may be familiar with this Pasuk. It is the oft-recited chapter in Tehillim, said on behalf of one who is sick.

But, why of all things, is it the wheat which declares this verse? What relation does the wheat share to calling out to Hashem from the depths?

The life of a typical wheat stalk ends with being made into bread. Yet, the process of getting there is arduous. The wheat must be cut, threshed, winnowed, ground into fine flour, mixed with water, kneaded and baked into bread. The process involves numerous steps, all of which break down the wheat more and more.

Now imagine you were the wheat stalk. How would you feel? You are cut with a sickle, threshed, winnowed and on and on. You feel broken, hurt and torn away from your previous source of life in the ground. It is this wheat stalk, amid such despairing tossing and turning, which “calls out to Hashem from the depths.” The wheat is crushed and broken, yet it turns to Hashem, doesn’t give up and places its trust in Him.

The wheat may appear hopeless, but it is far from that. The wheat is not lost; it is being prepared and primed to turn into delicious bread.

In the world of dating, we often experience the same turbulence. We go out with one boy or girl on two dates, and it doesn’t work out. We go out again with someone else, and it doesn’t get any further. We then go out with a third person and it progresses further… until it doesn’t work out again. We are crushed, forlorn and upset. Where are we now?

We are like the wheat. Cut, thrown up in the air, torn apart, kneaded. But, just as the wheat eventually reaches its final product of beautiful bread, you will too. The Gemara tells us that there are eleven steps in the bread-making process. It is not 1-2-3. It is much longer and involved than that. Yet, throughout it all, the wheat turns to Hashem and hopes and prays for a better time, a better life. And it does get that. And you will to. Just follow the direction of the wheat and turn to Hashem. It is hard and tiring. But Hashem will one day, just one day, lift you up and have you walk down the aisle to the chuppa and enjoy delicious bread at your wedding meal. And as you do so, just remember the lesson of the wheat. From crushed to crowned, from lost to loved and from the greatest depths to the greatest heights.

Do Not Marry If… (Part I)

When we typically begin our journey towards looking for our spouse, we think about who we would like to marry. What characteristics should they possess, what family should they come from, what values should they espouse. But it is somewhat less common to consider who we should not marry. But, in truth, by properly understanding what to stay away from, we will learn who to stay together with.

Here is a list to help you start thinking:

Do not marry someone if you are not proud of them or don’t want to be seen with them.

Do not marry someone if you are continuously criticized by them or you are continuously criticizing them. You must like and accept the person and feel good about yourself when you are around them. They should raise you up, not push you down.

Your spouse is your mirror through life. Make sure you like what you see through them. Their worldview will become yours too, and if yours is currently not the same as theirs, you will encounter much heartache when they clash.

Do not marry someone who mistakenly misuses religion to endorse something he or she wants. Someone who is controlling can use a variety of arguments to promote their agenda.

Do not get married if the other person cannot handle your type of life. If you dream of a large family and a hectic house but he or she doesn’t, you will encounter conflict unless you can come to an agreement before you marry.

Do not marry someone if you cannot tolerate their circle of friends. You will not necessarily replace them, but will to a certain degree join them and interact with them directly or indirectly. Be sure you can be a part of them.

Do not marry someone if you have not seen them in different situations, both fun and frustrating. See how they react when they are late, when they are overtired and under pressure. Find out what kind of temperament they have. Your spouse may get angry often, be stubborn and act demanding. Do not rush into getting married just because it is the 12^th or 15^th when you are not absolutely clear and confident about this. It will later hit you hard if you are not aware of it.

Do not get married if you have major religious differences and outlooks on life.

Do not get married if you cannot speak openly and comfortably with the person. Marriage will carry many challenges, and you need to feel comfortable about communicating with that individual.

Do not get married if you hear bad things about that person, without doing your due diligence to investigate. You do not need to run a month-long detective search, but certainly check all the facts and do not ignore them.

Do not marry someone who appears to have picked up bad behavior from the way his or her parents treated each other. If the individual’s parents are divorced, that doesn’t mean you should stay away from dating them. If the parents are amicable to one another despite all that has happened, it is not something to be overly concerned about. So long as the parent’s relationship has not adversely affected your prospective date in a way that has shaped their attitude and which will negatively impact your marital relationship, you need not worry. Be keenly aware of their values and middot, though; that is a good indication of how they themselves are despite anything that has happened in the past.

Do not reject someone because they do not have everything you want. It is the total person you are looking at. Ask yourself if, on the whole, you can answer yes to the following: we match each other, we complement each other, we balance each other, we can compromise with each other, and most importantly, we can grow with each other.

No individual will ever offer you everything you want. If you enjoy singing but he or she cannot sing, that is not a deal breaker. You can still sing with your friends.

All in all, intently study the person you are dating and your feelings about the person. Examine their lifestyle, their family, their hopes and their dreams. That will be your ticket to success.

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Dr. Cohen has lectured worldwide on all subjects of Jewish thought. Using the power of passionate storytelling, Dr. Cohen’s riveting style will ignite your inner fire for divine service. He currently serves as a daily lecturer for young men in various Brooklyn yeshivot on many subjects, as well as co-director of the father-and-son minyan at Keter Zion Torah Center and the Director of teen education at Congregation Tehilat Yitzchak in Brooklyn. He recently served as the scholar-in-residence/lecturer for a tour of kivrei tzadikim in Morocco. He has authored several articles on the works of the Rambam and biblical medicine, and has created and taught original curriculum on successful dating strategies for men. He is a passionate student of the great scholar, Rabbi Avigdor Miller (ztz”l). Join us as Dr. Cohen inspires and prepares you to have a meaningful and successful year. Watch/listen/download the video/audio version of this Torah class from Dr. Jack Cohen and thousands of others by top Torah scholars at www.torahanytime.com. All content is free and updated daily. TorahAnytime: G-d’s Reason for the Internet.

By Dr. Jack Cohen

Edited by Elan Perchik, Editorial Director of TorahAnytime. com