EMET & CHAZAQ Partner with Beth Gavriel for Second Annual Panel Discussion

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On a recent Motzei Shabbat, EMET and CHAZAQ partnered together with the Beth Gavriel Community Center to host their second annual parenting and shalom bayit panel in Forest Hills. At this riveting event, experts answered questions about relationships, treating one’s spouse with respect and affection, dealing with in-laws, raising children in the modern world, and many more compelling topics.

The panel was comprised of EMET’s Co-Director Rabbi Akiva Rutenberg, a licensed social worker, Chazaq Director Rabbi Ilan Meirov, relationship specialist, Hewlett Rabbi Refael Ribacoff, and Rabbi Benzion Klatzko, founder of Shabbat.com and national educational director for Olami. Rabbi Reuven Kigel, EMET’s warm and personable campus director, moderated the event, and opening remarks were delivered by Chief Bukharian Rabbi of USA and Canada, Rav Yitzchak Yisraeli.

The event was well-attended, and the lively crowd soaked up the thought-provoking discussion and powerful advice. Sushi and refreshments were served.

Rabbi Nissim Musheyev, Director of EMET’s higher boys’ division, opened by describing the amazing and critical work that EMET does for college students and CHAZAQ does for public school students in the Queens community and beyond. He shared that of the over 500 public school students CHAZAQ transferred to Yeshiva in the last two years, three were his relatives who are today enjoying a proper Jewish education thanks to their efforts. Rabbi Musheyev also thanked and praised the Beth Gavriel Center for being a partner with these two wonderful organizations since their inception.

Bukharian Chief Rabbi Yitzchak Yisraeli began by explaining that shalom bayit and parenting are really one topic—because one is a precondition for the other. If there is shalom and couples respect each other, this creates an atmosphere in which children learn to respect their parents.

He proved this from the fact that the Torah says the story of Yetziat Mitrayim, the Exodus from Egypt, should be told by parents to children “in their ears”. The reason is to show children that they’re special and make them feel treasured to you. Similarly, whispering into a spouse’s ear shows that the message is important, and you care about them.

For the first question, panelists were asked if marriage should be easy. Rabbi Klatzko compared it to sports, which is easy in concept, yet becoming a professional and achieving stardom takes years of hard work. Similarly, getting married is easy. Yet being a “professional” and becoming a great spouse and parent takes a lot of effort. After 30 years, Rabbi Klatzko and his wife still discuss their relationship frequently, and work on improving it every day. He added that it is the most worthwhile investment one can make.

Rabbi Ribacoff explained that everything in life takes preparation and training. Once you have the right tools, you can deal with difficult situations more easily. Like professionals in any industry, the more skills, tools and education you have, and the better you understand your roles and responsibilities, the easier it will be to succeed.

Panelists were asked how parents should respond to children who complain about not having the same privileges and lifestyle as their classmates and peers. Rabbi Rutenberg said that while this is an extremely difficult challenge, it’s very important to set an example. If parents show that they are happy to make similar sacrifices, children will learn that it’s okay to not have what everyone else has.

Rabbi Meirov added that if parents don’t complain and compare their lives to others’, but rather are happy and satisfied with their personal situation, children will learn from their perspective.

Rabbi Kigel said that in the weekly Shalom Bayit classes he teaches, he tells men to write 10-15 things they respect about their wives and send the list to them. Even though they already may know these things intellectually, this exercise reinforces and helps spouses keep their focus on the positive at all times.

Panelists were asked how to deal with a spouse who is overly critical. Rabbi Rutenberg said that most people naturally tend to see their own strengths and others’ faults. When someone criticizes us, we may be defensive. It’s important to think about whether there is merit to their critique. In addition, when people feel judged or demeaned, they are unlikely to accept criticism. However, they may be much more willing if it is done in a more positive and isolated way.

Rabbi Meirov pointed out that the first time the Torah mentions Chava’s name (which means “mother of all life”) is only after the sin of eating from the Tree of Wisdom. The reason for this is because after she brought death to the world, people may be inclined to focus on the negative. Therefore, the Torah and Adam focused on the positive aspect of Chava, that she is the mother of all life.

Another question asked by the audience was how to deal with in-laws who are overly critical and do not respect their son- or daughter-in-law. Rabbi Meirov responded by observing that after a newlywed couple gets married, rather than traveling and being alone, they spend seven days surrounded by family at sheva brachot. He said the reason for this is that marriage is not about vacationing—it’s about building Klal Yisrael. Yet with that said, being with family can have its stresses, and couples may tend to take criticism too harshly and blow things out of proportion.

Rabbi Meirov went on to say that Yosef HaTzaddik was thrown in prison as a young man, despite having done nothing wrong. Yet when he was released, he immediately became a successful viceroy, running the entire country of Mitzrayim. How did he pull this off? It’s a matter of perspective. Even in his difficult situation, Yosef constantly focused on fulfilling the will of Hashem, and was determined to get through the struggle and move on. Similarly, couples must remind themselves that for the sake of shalom bayit, even if in-laws are difficult, it’s only temporary. Tell yourself, “I’ll go there, I’ll smile, I’ll accept the compliments, and I’ll ignore the criticism.”

Rabbi Rutenberg said that it’s important to be proactive and prevent problems before they arise. Very often, couples subconsciously involve their in-laws in their personal matters, without realizing it, with body language or subtle complaints. The situation may escalate, though it could have been prevented.

Another common scenario is when a husband feels torn between giving to his wife and giving to his mother. He may want to bestow his wife with gifts, yet not want his mother to feel slighted. A husband must show his wife that she is number one, yet he should balance and navigate that with his obligation of kibbud av v’em.

In closing, Rabbi Rutenberg said that he often sees spouses playing victim. He recently dealt with a couple on the brink of divorce, and each was competing to be labeled the bigger victim. When Yosef revealed his identity to his brothers, he repeatedly said that he “was sent” to Mitzrayim. He specifically avoided playing victim and confronted his situation as someone on a mission from Hashem. Without this perspective, Yosef never could have succeeded.

Rabbi Meirov closed the program saying that while everyone has problems, the secret to happiness is figuring out ways to overcome your problems and by learning from experts.

As two staples in the Queens community, the leaders of Emet and Chazaq were excited to partner together and present this popular event. The discussion was substantive, entertaining, relevant, and practical. They look forward to holding future joint educational events, as they continue their mission to uplift and have a strong impact on the entire community.