Hot Jew Summer 5786

Let’s face it, when it comes to Judaism in the summer, for over 2,000 years we have been shofaring it in, then about 150 years ago, a beit din finally changed halachah, and we were able to phone it in—except on Shabbat, of course. As Jews, how do we actually practice our faith over the summer?

We sweat, we complain about how much we sweat, we hold off on installing an air conditioner in shul because in 1958, the great-grandfather of the kid who works at Best Buy said something about how his mother’s schnitzel was better than the great-great-grandmother of the current board president’s schnitzel. We then get old, move to Florida, where we sweat all year long, complain about how cold it is inside, and then we die.

The impact of not installing an air conditioner has created a butterfly effect on the Jewish experience. It’s too hot in shul, so attendance is down. We ship our kids off to Jewish overnight camp so they can experience a lack of air conditioning in exotic and remote places like the Poconos. The only holidays we have consist of broken walls and cannibalism. It’s the only time of year when conversion is tempting. If I joined a Bukharian dance troupe, at least all that spinning should keep the July heat at bay.

Look, we’re not the only ones struggling for summer content. Other faiths have figured out ways to stretch their holidays across entire seasons. We, meanwhile, are left staring at the thermostat and counting down to September.

It’s not just modern Judaism that knows the summer is a wash; the Torah confirms it! The summer is when we chant Parshat Devarim, and it sounds like a grandfather telling stories at a family gathering. Every few minutes it’s, “Remember when…” followed by something that happened forty years earlier. Moshe says, “Remember when we walked through the desert? That was cool.” And, “Don’t forget about that time that you complained about making bricks out of mud and straw, that sucked.” These are the stories everyone has heard before, but somehow they still get told every year. Devarim is Moshe saying, “Take the summer off, you’ll be fine come September. I won’t be here, but here are the Cliff’s Notes if you need a refresher.”

So, what can we do to inject some chutzpah into these dormant months? The easy answer would be to buy a central air system for the sanctuary, but if we wait for board approval, it may take another 2,000 years. It’s time to do something revolutionary, it’s time to modernize Judaism, it’s time for Hot Jew Summer!

Here is what I propose:

• New Prayer – Driving to the shore? Don’t forget Tefilat HaDerech for the NJ Turnpike.

May it be Your will, L-rd our G-d and G-d of our fathers, that You should lead us in peace and direct our cruise control in peace, and guide us in peace, and support us in peace, and cause us to reach the shore without having an aortic event because the Toyota in front of us has maintained a speed of ten miles below the speed limit, despite being in the left lane. Save us from every EZ-Pass malfunction and flat tire along the way, and from all kinds of road rage, and whatever that smell is when you enter the state of New Jersey. May You send blessing upon our gas tanks and grant me grace, kindness, and mercy in Your eyes and in the eyes of all who see us floor it to change lanes at the last minute to make the exit ramp because we lost track of where we were while zoning out the complaints of our teenage children. And may You hear the sound of our supplication, for You are G-d who hears prayer and supplication. Blessed are You, L-rd, who hears prayer.

• New Holiday – Now, we already have a holiday dedicated to the sun called Birkat HaChamah, but that only happens every 28 years. I don’t know about you, but I see the sun practically every day, so maybe we should have HaChamah Katan that happens every Tammuz.

How do we celebrate such a holiday?

◦ Between Lag B’Omer and HaChamah Katan, it is forbidden for men to shave their backs. There is no better way for a family to get ready for the pool or the beach than shearing off Dad’s back fur.

◦ Ceremonial sunglasses with built-in peyot clips. It’s time to go to the mikvah, but the sun is beating down, and your side curls, weighed down from being wet, keep slapping you in the face every time you come to the surface. On HaChamah Katan, this is no longer an issue; conveniently placed loops on the temples of the sunglasses keep your peyot where they need to be.

• New Practice

◦ Speaking of mikvahs, during Hot Jew Summer, rather than dipping into a pool of naturally running water, you do it in a pool of SPF 50 sunscreen. Please consult your local mashgiach to get a list of approved sunscreen brands.

• New Food – Latkes, matzah brei, hamantaschen, none of these scream Hot Jew Summer. We need foods that capture the season AND the seasoning of Judaism. Manischewitz, please take note of the below:

◦ Full sour pickled hot dogs

◦ Frozen borscht popsicles

◦ A tall glass of Etrogade

It is already 5786, but we are still treating the summer the same way we did back in 86 CE. Judaism is a vibrant, living religion; we need to treat it as such, even when it’s 102 degrees outside and 153 under the beating light of the ner tamid. So please join me in making this summer the Hot Jew Summer we all need it to be.

By Joshua Kail, America’s Rebbitzman