Raising Children, Literally

Esav is described in great detail as an evil person. Someone who engages in idol worship and deceit, using his mouth to deceive his father into thinking he was meticulous in commandments. He also wasted time hunting animals in the field. The Gemara (Bava Batra 16b) further explains that Esav had immoral relations, and Rashi (Genesis 26:34) notes that for the first forty years of Esav's life, he would capture women from their husbands and torment them. This presents a great difficulty: How could Yitzhak love Esav? Did Yitzhak not realize that Esav was engaging in idol worship, was immoral, and deceiving people!? (See Rashi for several explanations).

It is possible to offer a novel approach. There is a fundamental principle in human behavior: every person, even the worst, does not want others to know they are bad. They always try to show themselves as much better than they truly are. Its called “image”. If a person is angry at home, they are embarrassed for people to know this and try to show themselves as patient and considerate outside. To influence others to be good, one must not show them that they know they are actually bad but show them they believe in their goodness.

The Chazon Ish once said that no one had ever successfully deceived him regarding their spiritual state; when he saw a person for the first time, he knew exactly their level of piousness and character traits. Even if they tried to show themselves as completely righteous, they could not deceive him. Nevertheless, he never showed anyone that he knew their true spiritual level. He always gave them the feeling that he thought they were much better than they truly were, so at least in his presence, they would try to live up to that perception. This is not hypocrisy; it is the path to spiritual advancement. If a person knows that people believe they are in a good spiritual state, they will strive to reach that level. Conversely, if they know people think poorly of them, they will give up and not see the point in trying to improve.

Rav Aaron David Chadash Shlit”a, the Mashgiach at the Mir Yeshiva, relates that his father, Rav Meir Chadash zt”l, emphasized to him and other Rabbeim (Mechanchim) that we must always see the good in every student. He said that if you catch a student in improper behavior, you have lost him.

Undoubtedly, Yitzhak knew well who his son Esav was. He knew that he was an idol worshiper, immoral, deceitful, and idle. But he also knew that Esav wanted to present himself as meticulous in mitzvot to Yitzhak and was even willing to deceive Yitzhak to achieve that purpose. Yitzhak understood that Esav still had something to lose. If Yitzhak had rebuked him harshly, telling him that he knows he is deceitful and idle, Esav would have thought, "I have nothing left to lose; my father knows everything about me." This is the meaning of the verse "Yitzhak loved Esav because he had ensnarment in his mouth," it does not mean that Esav tricked Yitzhak, the opposite Yitzhak throught this tactic was able to reign in Esav.

Indeed, this approach proved successful. When Yaakov took Esav's blessings and Esav wanted to kill Yaakov, what stopped him was the thought of disappointing his father. He wasn’t worried about Yitzhak’s sorrow over Yaakov’s death per se, he even had no problem sending his son Elifaz to kill Yaakov, but what worried Esav was the disappointment Yitzhak would feel, hearing that Esav was the murderer. After all, Yitzhak believed he was a great tzaddik, how can he disappoint him? The result was that Yaakov managed to survive and thrive because of Yitzhaks brilliance in raising his wicked child Esav, literally! (Kuntres Ma’ayan Ganim)

Rabbi Leeor Dahan, a graduate of Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim/RSA, is well versed in aspects of halachah and has written commentary on the Mishnah Berurah, and Shulchan Aruch. Rabbi Dahan encourages his congregants at Kehilat Avodat Hashem in Hillcrest, Queens to find time in their day for the study of Torah and associated halachic customs.

By Rabbi Leeor Dahan