From Chaos To Connection

QUESTION:

Dear Galit,

My three-year-old toddler wants things his way and won’t follow requests or stay in timeout. What should I do?

Best,

Chana

Hello Chana,

As much as this stage can be frustrating (I feel your pain!), your child’s behavior is really a good thing. Developmentally, testing limits of how the world works is exactly where he should be, so congratulations on doing a great job!

Discipline is always about teaching because the long-term goal is that the child is self- disciplined.

It can help to look at parental choices and disciplinary actions not as restrictions or punishments, but rather as tools to empower the child to make better choices moving forward. If you are using these moments as opportunities to teach your child and build skills, then he or she will have better strategies to handle themselves in the future.

I look at behavior as communication. Your child’s behavior contains information about what he needs, and how he feels. If you learn to tune into that communication, it will offer you important clues about his or her level of skill and you will be able to shift the situation more easily to a positive direction.

Here are some ‘Communication Clues’ to look for…

Whenever a child is misbehaving, I use the three S’s: Stress, Skills, and Support - to help see the situation more clearly and provide a response that is tailored to the child’s needs.

Stress - Does my child feel too overwhelmed by physical, mental, or emotional stress? Regulation comes before learning. This is where we use mindfulness and sensory tools to co-regulate together.

Skills - Does my child struggle with challenging tasks? Skill development takes time. Resist the urge to demand instant compliance. These skills are primarily influenced by developmental milestones and not punitive restrictions or rewards. This is where we can use play, modeling, and repetition to build the lacking skills.

Support - Does your child seem disconnected or closed off? Relational support and physical closeness are necessary for children to show positive behavior. Stay open and be curious and nonjudgmental.

Instead of a timeout, try a “time-in”. Use the 3 S’s to help your child. Instead of it being punitive and sending your child away from you, think of it as a time to practice calming down. A “time-in” is more about helping your child pause, take a break from their behavior or their reactivity, and you helping them get more regulated. This would be the SUPPORT part where we acknowledge our child’s feelings, stay connected and empathize. It can also be a time to help them tune-in to their own feelings, name them, and get help calming down.

Next is SKILL: Development will increasingly kick in over the months and years, where you won’t see as much of this behavior. Along the way, just make sure that your child feels understood when he or she is upset. Here’s where you can model ways to deal with emotional stress (if you are just learning those same techniques more’s the good. Unfortunately, we do not get taught emotional intelligence at school and many adults need these techniques as much as children do, and you can learn and integrate new techniques together). As a play therapist, I find play is the fastest way to teach new skills. So, go ahead and have some fun together.

Lastly, focus on the STRESS and use stress toys, a trampoline, physical touch (hug, foot massage) to calm the body and help your child with co-regulation. Eventually your child will learn to self-regulate when struggling.

Remember to aim for average - you and your child, you are both doing your best!

By letting our children have the space and time they need to process new information and new skills we allow them to fully integrate those important lessons. Ironically, by moving slower we get the desired result faster; by aiming for ‘average’ or just ‘acceptable’ behavior we have a chance at raising an extraordinarily well-adjusted and well-balanced child who is equipped to meet life’s challenges.

---

Galit Meirov LMFT, RPT-S, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. To contact Galit call (646) 354-3826 or e-mail her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..