The Importance Of Appreciation

A poor person once came to the great Chassidic Rebbe, Reb Shmelke of Nikolsburg early one morning for Tzedakah (Charity), but Reb Shmelke had nothing left to give him. When Reb Shmelke opened a drawer, he found his wife’s wedding ring which he joyfully gave over to the poor man. Later, when his wife discovered what he had done, she complained to him that it was a very valuable ring. Reb Shmelke quickly ran after the poor person–not to get it back, but to inform him that it was very valuable and that he should not let himself be fooled into selling it away for too cheap. The following Shabbat when Reb Shmelke gave his Drasha (Speech), he told over this story to the congregation, adding that this illustrates what the sages meant in the Talmud (Shabbat 10b) which says that G-d told Moshe Rabbenu that He has a “Matanah Tova”–a Good Gift–in His treasure house, and that ‘Shabbat’ is its name, which He wished to give to Bnei Yisrael, go and tell them. Hashem meant for Moshe Rabbenu to tell Bnei Yisrael what a fine, valuable, and precious gift Shabbat is, and that they should be careful not to “sell” the whole day away for some whiskey and a piece of kugel.

Shabbat is that special day of the week set aside to spend in the Holy presence of Hashem. It’s that special Covenant between Hashem and His chosen people–Bnei Yisrael.

Shabbat is not just a day of not working, turning on lights, driving a car, or writing. It’s a day when we don’t care about the rest of the world. We have a chance to spend intimate time ONLY with Hashem. We wash up and get dressed in our finest clothing, we prepare a lavish feast with special foods, we meet friends and family in Shul, we pray, we sing, and learn Torah. Shabbat is a taste of Olam Habah–The Next World. Shabbat is the Queen. Shabbat is our Mystic Zivug!

The same attitude should be applied to our marriage and relationships.

A person who has a diamond of exceptional brilliance, beauty, and value in his possession must appreciate his very good fortune. But if he has no clue concerning the value of this precious stone, it remains, as far as he/she is concerned, nothing more than a piece of glass. In other words, if one does not APPRECIATE the value of a spouse, it has no value for him/her. They allowed it to slip through their fingers because they were not conscious to its inestimable value.  Regrettably, some people only realize this once they don’t have it anymore. 

Why is it that we wait until sickness, G-d forbid, before we appreciate our health? When we wake up in the morning and open our eyes–we should yell from excitement ‘Modeh Ani’- Thank you Hashem for giving me back my Neshama (Soul)! Stand by the list of doctors and different hospital wards and say: Baruch Hashem I am feeling well that I do NOT need to see this doctor and that specialist!  We need to learn to appreciate the goodness that we have! Don’t take for granted the good fortune you possess!

But also remember that everyone needs to feel appreciated–especially your spouse!

What are some of the ways that we can show appreciation to our spouse?

1) Make a list of your spouse’s best qualities and then write down specific examples of them. Try it now–and you will see that it will awaken within you special and fun memories of that person. Also, share that list with your spouse–and he/she will truly be touched and definitely feel appreciated!

2) Make him/her a gift. It’s very easy today to just go to the store and buy a gift. But when a gift is hand-made–it comes straight from the heart! Don’t just buy a greeting card–remember to add in a few special words of your own to show how you feel towards your other half!

3) Spend a day in your spouses shoes. You will be quite surprised at how difficult it can be sometimes to follow through his/her daily routine. It will give you a chance to really appreciate how much he/she does–for you and the family. You might discover things about your spouse that you didn›t know–things that you should be appreciating more–and your spouse will be touched by the fact that you wanted to know.

4) Show appreciation by saying ‘Thank You.’ Compliment him/her on their looks, how well he/she did something, or just do some kind deed for him/her (Chessed).  Don’t take things for granted and think  that they should be expected or coming to you. By expressing daily appreciation and giving compliments, it will make it more likely for him/her to continue making those wonderful efforts for you!

Researchers have shown that healthy family relationships require a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Whether this ratio is accurate or not, there is no denying the fact that we need to have our spouse always remember us in a positive light. Therefore, we need to tilt the scales in our favor by doing more kindness, giving more compliments, and showing our gratitude and appreciation for everything wonderful and good that he/she does for us on a daily basis.

So appreciate your spouse today and remember that when you show appreciation, he/she will know it and will often return it in kind!

Best wishes to you all!

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Rabbi Refael & Mrs. Adina Ribacoff have been teaching chattan and kallah classes for over 20 years. They have also created a program called Table for Two, to enrich married couple’s lives. They are available for lectures and workshops on various topics, including relationships, dating, and parenting. Mrs. Adina Ribacoff, LMSW, specializes in marriage/relationship and family therapies, and in counseling individuals, couples and families. She is also available for individual and/or group sessions in person or over the phone. For more information or to set up an appointment, please contact: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. 
347-680-9181 or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.  347-680-9179.