Abram Meirov: “Parents Should Not Look For Errors In Young Families, But Should Support Them With Good Words”

Another beautiful party held recently in the Beth Gavriel community as part of the Table for Two program, which brought together those who had lived in a happy marriage for 25 years or more, was remembered not only by the magnificence of its organization, jokes and laughter, and the joy of communication , but also inspired very important and timely thoughts.

Below is our conversation with Abram Meirov, the Gabbay-a-Rashi of the synagogue, who recently became Head of the Institute for Family and Marriage in the new Board of Directors of the Beth Gavriel Community Center.

V. Kandinov. At the above-mentioned Table for Two party, a small questionnaire was distributed to the guests with a request to express their opinion on several issues, the purpose of which was to try and find out on what their happy marriages, verified by decades of living together, were based.

Among the questions was the following: “What would you do if your child’s choice of an alleged fiancée or fiancé was not to your liking?” 21.5 % of the respondents noted that “the children should resolve this issue on their own,” 8.6 % found it difficult to answer, 69.9 % remarked “that they would try to convince their son or daughter not to rush into making a decision and think well.” None of the respondents said that “they would be totally against it and would do everything to prevent this marriage.” How do you think this kind of opinion scattering can be explained?

A. Meirov. These, I think, are very symptomatic answers. Recently, a well-known New York Rabbi from Beth Din analyzed two hundred cases of unfortunately broken families, which were mostly young ones. A curious detail emerged: in the vast majority (95 %) of the cases of those failures, the causes lie—you will not even believe that—in the parents’ behavior and in the positions, they occupy in relation to their already mature independent married children. Yes, it is the actions of the seniors that to a large extent provoke such disastrous results.

V.K. How can this be explained, because it is difficult to believe that parents might be inclined to connive at breakdowns of their children’s families?

A.M. Theoretically, it is really hard to believe, but in real life everything turns out to be much sadder. Unfortunately, some of the parents are not ready soberly and wisely to accept the fact that their children, having grown up, remain not only sons and daughters, but also become husbands and wives, and therefore are completely independent people.

That’s why, I think that the very necessary and useful educational work carried out by our rabbis with young people on the eve of their marriages, during which the necessary body of knowledge about creating a strong, loving family is presented, is clearly insufficient. Not less important in this context is similar work with the parents, whose keynote should be the idea that the older generation, in addition to organizing weddings – and it is superfluous to recall how beautiful and lavish they are in our circles – should not look, from the very first days of the appearance of a young family, for mistakes in the behavior of their daughter-in-law or son-in-law, should not give acrid remarks, but, on the contrary, should try in every possible way, with good words and a tactful gestures, to smooth up sharp corners and protect young wives and husbands from conflict situations, misunderstandings and unnecessary conversations.

Please note that among those who answered the questions of your questionnaire there are mostly people who are wise with their everyday experience, and therefore there was not a single person among them who was prone to influence the wrong choice (in their understanding) of their children by the parental pressure.

V.K. Why do you emphasize precisely this side of the relationship between parents and children?

A.M. Because no means all parents are fully aware today that due to the immigration, we found ourselves in completely different conditions, in a different culture, that the time has long passed when it was possible to stop with a strict word and even glance a daughter or a son from taking a rash step.

This does not mean that parents should give up and tell them to “do what you want, do as you know.” It requires great patience and a desire to prove and convince the younger people that the parents are right. I understand that not everyone can always succeed in doing that, but, without this desire, the parents most likely cannot succeed.

V.K. 88.8 % of those attending our party, while answering the question “How did you meet your future husband (wife)?”, stressed that had happened “on the advice of the parents or loved ones”, and only every tenth referred to a lucky incident. Could you comment on this phenomenon?

A.M. There is nothing surprising in this. Good, unobtrusive advice from the parents or people who are close on such a sensitive issue makes a lot of sense, because the elders are guided primarily by a real assessment of who could be your son’s (daughter’s) choice: what kind of upbringing the chosen one has received, in what traditions they grown up, etc. You could ask me, “how about love?” Without a doubt, no parent can impose their will on their children, no matter how well-intentioned such will be. I am deeply convinced that lasting marriage is born when heart and mind are equally involved in the union. And the fact that our people from time immemorial put a special meaning in the concept of avlod i.e., “kin”, “family”, “family genetics”, not by chance, since it is difficult to dispute the truth, I affirm, that “an apple does not fall far from the apple tree”.

V.K. Our survey revealed another interesting detail: it turns out that 76.9 % of the respondents live separately from their married children and only ¼ share quarters with the children. Is there any pattern that affects the degree of strength of the marriage bonds of young people?

A.M. I think so. Before the immigration, the living conditions in Central Asia were completely different. Sometimes we lived for generations as one big family, united by common courtyards, sharing a dining table with fathers and mothers, grandmothers and grandfathers, in which we undoubtedly found our joy and happiness. Of course, the living conditions and the distribution of social roles in families were different. Nevertheless, there are quite a few families in America, where both the older and younger generations wonderfully get along together under one roof, especially at the initial stages of immigration, supporting each other morally and financially, and not imagining a different mode of life. And, as they say, may G-d grant happiness and success to those who succeeds.

However, I cannot fail but note that certain moments of cohabitation are also frequent, generating many negative consequences, including ruptures of the bonds of marriage in young families who have just begun their independent path in life. Therefore, this issue should be resolved strictly individually, to which the figures given by you can testify.

V.K. Trying to find out whether there is a connection between the length of time before the wedding of young people and the quality of marriage, we asked our guests the question “How long were you seeing each other before the wedding?” The results turned out to be controversial. 17.4 % – only a few days, 23.6 % – a few weeks, 41.6 % –a few months, 9.9 % – six months, 3.1 % – one year and 4.4 % – more than a year. Is there any pattern in this?

A.M. On the one hand, it would seem that the longer the time of acquaintance, the greater the chance of getting to know each other better. However, life shows that the pattern in this case is very difficult to identify. For example, I met my future wife a few days before shinohuri, after which, six months later, we had a wedding. Thank G-d, for more than 35 years we have been together in love and harmony. A significant role here is played by the whole lot of other, more significant moments.

VK.  I cannot disagree with you. For example, to the question “Did you immediately accept the offer of your fiancé to marry him?”, 64.7 % of the respondents answered affirmatively, whereas 23.9 said they had to think and only every tenth refused the first contender for her hand in marriage. What does this, in your opinion, indicate?

A.M. I think the fact that the overwhelming majority of the respondents immediately, without a doubt, responded to the proposal of their suitors, indicates that they had serious grounds for this: both the call of the heart and the approving attitude of the family and kin, which in our environment has always been a significant moment as well as many other, purely individual reasons. If not for this, your guests would hardly be the participants of such a wonderful party today.

V.K.  Thank you, dear Abram, for kindly sharing your rich life experience in assessing one of the burning problems that is of great concern to our community.

 Veliyam Kandinov. From book: “The Price of Jewish Happiness?!” 2019