Dear Parents, Be Kinder And More Understanding!

Although US statistics show a slight decrease in the number of divorces lately, nevertheless, every instance of family breakup is an extraordinary event. It has even been estimated that the annual damage from stresses of divorces and major family arguments result in business damages that amount to $11 billion. Who is at fault, where are the sources of this regretfully eternal phenomenon, which seriously affected our community in a new country? On this subject is our conversation with Abram Meirov, who, in this case, is just a wise man well acquainted with the problem from the inside.

V.K. Abram, by virtue of your main professional activities, you constantly come into contact with the happiest moments in human life—the emergence of a new family, weddings and all those joyful events that accompany them. Could you tell us how the lives of the newlyweds who celebrated their weddings with your participation are taking shape, because many of those families are familiar to you personally?

1. Meirov. I can say in full responsibility that the overwhelming majority of young people create happy families, give their parents wonderful grandchildren, live in mutual understanding and harmony. But, unfortunately, there are facts of a different character – when, before the wedding music stopped playing or the photographers finished printing colorful photo albums of the wedding celebration, the newlyweds apparently had already parted their ways.

I am convinced of one thing and this should be firmly learned by young people who are entering into marriage, that it does not take much wit or time to destroy a family. However, to create a good reliable family is an incessant hard work. And it is the atmosphere that is created around the young couple by their parents and inner circle that means a lot.

V.K. Could you explain this idea of ​​yours in more detail?

1. Meirov. Certainly. In our people have the elders’ words are traditionally significant enough for the children. And depending on what words are said by the parents to their daughter-in-law or son-in-law, as well as some of their steps and gestures are interpreted by the younger family members, the situation in the family develops to a large extent. One thing, for example, when a mother, responding to her daughter’s intimate complaints about her uneasy relationship with her mother-in-law, would say, “This is your husband’s mother, from now on she is your mother too, she’s older and more experienced than you, you should emphasize your respect for her, and your family well-being depends on that a lot. So, be a good girl.” And a completely different thing, if a mother instructs her daughter, “Cut her down to her size from day one, she shouldn’t forget what family you come from, otherwise she’ll push you around, and you’ll suffer all your life.” One can easily assume what this kind of advice could result in.

V.K. Most likely this is an extreme case. Don’t you admit the idea that some parents sometimes try to be excessively patronizing of their children’s families, which could often bring, to put it mildly, completely unnecessary nuances into their relationships?

1. Meirov. Not only do I admit, but also, I will tell you something else. I have to observe completely incomprehensible phenomena, when the parents actually become direct accomplices of the young fragile families’ breakdowns.

Here is one of the recent cases. The groom’s family, and then the young husband himself, first of all, did a lot to ensure that the daughter-in-law graduated from college and achieved prestigious, well-paid work. As a result, it turns out that the family has broken up. Moreover, the young wife’s parents explicitly made it clear that from then on, their son-in-law no longer corresponds to the new status of their daughter. (“Baček ba duhtari mo no mezeva.”) Or I heard the categorical judgment of one overly active father, whose son, who had two children, left the family, “Do not worry, son, I will find you ten other wives, better than that one.” (Literally: “Dontvori, bachim, mab that date is meanam, a vai betar.”) And does it happen rarely when one of the parental parties declares threateningly and uncompromisingly, “We’ll never let our son (daughter) return to the family.”

V.K. But could those be only external manifestations of a last straw, when there can be no return to the old for one good reason or another?

1. Meirov. Even in such cases, the parents’ opinions should not be categorical. I am deeply convinced that even in the most difficult circumstances in every family there should always be room for compromise, and parents should contribute to that in every way.

V.K. And if, for example, there is domestic violence or insults and humiliation in the family, police intervention, etc. What to do then?

1. Meirov. Needless to say, those are completely intolerable phenomena. They have a particularly detrimental influence on children when they witness such scenes. After a while, adult children often bring such a home relationship style to their families, and the gene of intolerance perceived in the parental home often causes the young family to break up. In other words, there is something to think about the older generation.

V.K. What solution do you see?

1. Meirov. There is no universal remedy. But I am sure of one thing: in such cases, the role of parents and senior trustworthy family members is very important. I don’t think that in conflict situations one should look for excuses for the family breakup. On the contrary, it is necessary to convince the children by saying, “Think again, take your time, see how many good traits your husband (wife) has, everything will be fine.”

Editorial note. We hope that the topic raised will not leave our readers indifferent and will receive its further development in your letters.

Veliyam Kandinov.

From book “The price of Jewish

Happiness?”

 

By Veliyam Kandinov