On Maiden Honor And Parental Word

Where do difficult problems arise now in the creation of young families? Why is it so often that young, beautiful, independent, well-educated, well-off people, when it comes to the management of their personal life, are unable for a long period of time unable to solve this problem?

Parents, who are worried and shrug their shoulders, try in different ways to take control of that problem’s decision and guide their mature sons and daughters in the right—as it seems to them—direction. From the concerned parents and relatives, you often hear sensitive questions like “Do you have a decent boy (girl) in mind, I have such a wonderful daughter (son, niece)?”

Telephones, various events organized by Jewish social structures, dating clubs, the Internet, the traditional Bukharian Jewish institute hozgori, etc. are in operation. And although all these means provide many good and successful services, many young people stand at a crossroads for a long time, not daring to take a responsible step. As far as I remember, there, before emigration, this issue was not so acute.

Trying to clarify more and understand the essence of what is happening, I had a chance to talk around this issue with a large number of interested people of various ages and social status. One of such meetings seemed unusual and interesting in its own way, and the observations I heard from a young, 27-year-old, highly educated and intelligent man of a pleasant appearance and manners deserved all my attention. My counterpart emphasized, “The topic is too delicate, and I’m not sure that I am right in absolutely everything I say, therefore I ask you—if you find it possible to publish the content of our extremely frank and trustful conversation—not to mention my real name, since I don’t need any publicity, but I am only driven by a desire to touch on an issue that worries so many young people today.”

“G-d forbid,” says Jacob S., (let’s call him by this name), “I am not inclined to blame the beautiful half of the human race for the fact that I and many of my friends have not been able to solve the issue with marriage, although efforts are being made a lot. Personally, to this day I have not met a girl with whom I would like to link my destiny, and—I will not conceal it—once and for all my life.

V.K. What is the reason, in your opinion? After all, the motive is undoubtedly good.

J.S. Here is one of the episodes. On somebody’s good recommendation, I called a girl three times and three times I heard in response from someone from the household that the girl was not at home. Finally, having lost patience, I politely said to the woman on the other end that I was not calling the first time, but, unfortunately, I couldn’t hear the one I needed. You know what, that was the girl’s mother who, no less “politely”, without having ever seen me, began asking one after another a whole bunch of questions: who and what I was and what educational institution I had graduated from, and where I worked, who I lived with, who parents were, what they did, whether I had siblings and if they were married… In conclusion she noticed that her daughter would only marry the most intelligent and worthy young man.

Finally, the day of the meeting has come. I cannot fail but notice the girl turned out to be very pretty, but not more than that. The moment we started the first conversation, which is essentially not too meaningful in such cases, as it turned out instantly that there was nothing to talk about, besides, her English grated on my ear. But her self-assurance in both her manners and in the unhidden desire to emphasize her “high purpose” on the first evening was so obvious that it caused nothing but boredom and disappointment. Apart from that there was neither some serious education nor line of work to her credit. One thing was clear: the parents of that pretty girl deeply instilled in her the thought of her irresistible and imaginary virtues, not realizing that because of that it was easy to lose firm ground.

V.K.  Where does it come from, how can you explain it?

J.S. I think that the sources of such phenomena today are quite widespread among a certain number of our girls, especially if G-d bestowed them with an attractive appearance, and also, a financially secure dad behind their back. In such cases, a girl often, as the preconditions of marriage, puts forward, in a direct or veiled manner, a whole bunch of demands of both material and moral nature, without bothering herself to think about what reciprocal contribution she is ready to bring to the family, what she personally capable of, and what responsibility she will be able to take on herself in the name of the well-being of her home. And, I think, behind all that, invisibly stand the girl’s parents, whose word and guiding lines are very significant.

I do not mean in this case the material basis of the future family. In my opinion, it basically should be provided by a man, and for the sake of this I had to study hard and long and work hard now. But when on the very first evening of my acquaintance they begin to emphasize: “You probably already managed to learn the fact that here is America, not Bukhara, and therefore, after getting married, I do not intend to be dependent on anyone, obey or report to anyone in the family.” My parents, for example, spent most of their lives in Andijan, and that did not prevent them from raising good children, see a dozen grandchildren and, thank G-d, have a deserved happy old age in the family circle. I confess I would not mind repeating their life path. Explain to me, please, what is the difference between Andijan and New York. Is it possible to have a normal family there or here and be independent of each other, let’s say, not to report to each other, seek advice from one another, have the ability to mutual empathy?

V.K. Do you not think that part of our young people misunderstand the essence of freedom with regards, in particular, to family relations, understanding it as permissiveness, and not taking into account the fact that freedom in family relations without responsible skills to manage the household, to protect their moral principles, the desire to earn a decent material life through joint efforts, the realization that an own home, a glittering limousine, cruises and fashionable clothes do not fall from the sky, that all those need to be earned, for without it there can be no normal, truly free family relationships based on mutual understanding?

J.S. The other day I entered a certain website on the Internet, and I could not believe my eyes—on one of the pages I saw the girl I had recently met on the recommendation of my friends. She posted several of her photographs in pretty explicit poses, with a cigarette in her hand, with captures reading that she is an independent, open-minded, without prejudice. When I, after a while, asked her what she needed that kind of publicity for and whether her parents knew about it, her answer was as short as it was pretty firm: “My parents are not in the loop, because they don’t have time for the Internet, they are too busy in business.” As far as the reputation was concerned, she said, in America it had a completely different content, distinctive from, as she put it, the “prejudices” of our immigration. She also said, “A normal American doesn’t care much about his girl’s past, the most important thing is that he loves her today.”

I do not think that a normal American does not bother about the past of his chosen one, so that he would not be disturbed by how she lived before meeting him, because without the past there can be no future. This obvious truth is clear to everyone and can hardly be disputed.

V.K.  I think that the philosophy of your acquaintance to a great extent explains why today in America half of marriages are remarriages, and a third of children are brought up in incomplete families. In addition, every fourth baby arrives in this world as illegitimate.
I doubt that there are many of those who want to join the ranks of such “darlings of fortune”. Therefore, maiden honor is not only the most important feature of moral character, but also the foundation of a solid reliable family, a guarantee of future peace in the house. And deeply mistaken are those young people who believe that morality, maiden honor, and honor in general are not in fashion in America, that those are relics of the past, hindering success in life. The climate of the family, the parental word, the parents’ desire and ability to live by the interests of their growing children, their understanding of the fact that young people in America get to know too early what is what in this complex world will help protect our girls and boys from rash steps in their personal lives.