How Much Do You Need For Family Happiness?!

The question, of course, is rhetorical, because, as they say, happiness is not about money. Although right there with humor it is added: it’s about its amount. The truth is, probably, somewhere in the middle. How to determine it, that’s the problem. It is not a secret that the material factors play a very significant role in the successful birth of a family and its further life, provision of the necessary facilities and, undoubtedly, the nature of relationship between spouses. And although “you cannot buy a reliable family for money” and you will not reach mutual understanding, the correct management of your home budget is not only a delicate question, but it also requires some subtlety and consideration of the nature, temperament and mentality of the parties.

Taking this into account, the editors of the magazine requested Rabbi Imanuel Shimonov to clarify and comment on the financial side of family life.

I.Sh. The question is really not an easy one. On how it is solved, depends not only peace and tranquility in the relations between spouses, but also how reliable and stable the family is, whether it has the prospect of longevity in peace, love and harmony.

V.K. Could you, based on your professional experience, specify this problem in more detail about those underwater “financial” stones that people encounter, especially in the early stages of creating a family?

I.Sh. Take, for example, the issue of bank accounts, which in our former life was unknown to us, and in America it rises to its full height before every family—whether spouses should have one common account or two separate ones. And maybe along with separate accounts, a couple should open a common one for covering monthly joint expenses—mortgage, food, study of children, etc. So, as you can see, not everything is simple. Often, when the incomes of the parties are different, and besides, this difference is significant, there can be many additional difficulties on this basis, especially when a man is less successful in earnings. Or the parties do not know the incomes of each other, they are kept secret and married couples live for years like that which of course, can hardly testify to the strength of their relationship. More often this situation is present in cases when people, due to certain forced circumstances, “bear with” each other, trying only to “preserve” the family, but no more. No one knows how long such relationship can last.

It is necessary to mention one more, no less important problem related to constant shortage of money in the family, when incomes and expenses do not match each other, and the needs clearly exceed the possibilities.

V.K. Is it possible, in your opinion, to be guarded against such kind of troubles in the family or are they inevitable?

I.Sh. I think that the roots of these negative phenomena take their beginning in two circumstances. First: some people, when choosing a companion for life, rely excessively on the “heart”, i.e., feelings and dedication dominate, it is possible that even falling in love (“Without him (her) I cannot imagine my life!”), which often, failing to withstand the test of time, leads to disappointment and even rupture of relationships. Second: others, being exorbitantly rational, rely too heavily on reason, “expediency”, “benefits”, which, unfortunately, is often associated with the prevailing mercantile spirit, when marriage is seen only as a means of solving material problems.

A certain mother I knew in search of a fiancé for her daughter put a precondition: “We only need a doctor, preferably an anesthesiologist or, in extreme cases, a lawyer, but only a corporate one.” But not a word about what kind of person, with what moral principles she would like to see next to her daughter. A certain young man, who intends to start a family, sets before his parents, who are engaged in the search for a fiancée for him, an unambiguous task: “Only a health professional!” Again: not a word about feelings, about growing attachment to your chosen one. I am deeply convinced that without a serious feeling, without the participation of the heart, there can be no happy marriage.

But I do not doubt that this feeling should be surely checked with the mind, pass the test of time, complying with the parents’ opinion, their life experience. A road to the family happiness lies somewhere in the middle, when the feeling and the voice of the heart, merging with a reasonable assessment of the intended choice and complementing each other, guide the person to both the righteous and the right path, making them successful in their personal plans. After all, a family is not only holidays, but also everyday life and sometimes not very simple, with thousands of circumstances, with compromises and principles, successes and failures.

V.K. Does it not seem to you, dear Rabbi, that real life is much more complicated and does not always correspond to the order of things you proposed. Are there not enough marriages around concluded on the basis of love and by calculation, when, thanks to a strong feeling, people endure hardships, pain, and even humiliation for years? And are there few of those who, starting a family way according to the principle of “a love comes with habit” or “I must not miss this suitable chance”, put up with circumstances, indifference and negligence, trying to just create the appearance of a happy hearth, make children, grandchildren and, in the process care for them waste their dull weekdays and years?

I.Sh. This is indisputable. But we are trying to determine with you the path to a happy marriage, and not just to marriage because “the time has come” or an “eligible party” is in sight. Marriage based only on “calculation”, and in America this topic is becoming too noticeable—the make of the car, the incomes of the parties, in which some of people are not averse to taking an interest even on the first day of acquaintance, the presence of a house, an apartment, and even the area in which the parents reside, etc.—is fraught with a lot of unpredictability, because a dollar, even the “biggest” one, with all its power and ubiquity, harbors in itself one major drawback: in the grand scheme of things it cannot “buy” either a reliable loving husband or a devoted wife, or children with proper concepts.

Are there few examples around when a house is a full bowl, expensive cars, cruises, trendy clothes, and there is no happiness, no understanding between spouses; or children bring serious problems, poisoning life—you never know what and how? After all, family disorder, in the figurative expression of one of the greatest thinkers, manifests itself in countless ways.

Therefore, there is not and cannot be a reasonable answer to the question of how many dollars are needed for happiness in a marriage. The trouble of some young married couples, judging by my observations, is that they want to have the temptations of modern America—and there are countless numbers of them—now and as much as possible, without having had time to get out of the chuppah.

It would be a mistake to argue, and moreover, to judge a girl’s desire to be next to a wealthy person, able to handsomely support the family in the future. Fully explainable in this respect are wishes of such a bride’s parents. Error, often causing bitter disappointment, comes when the dollar is perceived as the main condition for family wellbeing. I will say more, happiness often knocks on those houses’ doors where young people, entering into marriage and starting an independent life, rely on their own efforts and perseverance and do not look around, waiting for the arrival of a loving and generous daddy who would plug a gap in the budget, pay off debts on credit cards or cover another mortgage.

It is precisely such perseverance and independence, self-reliance that is the most profitable and promising investment in the future of a healthy, loving and welded family.

V.K. Heartfelt thanks to you, dear Rabbi, for the meaningful conversation. There is something to think about, to take a fresh look, it is maybe even possible that our readers reconsider their own worldly orientations.

V.KANDINOV.

From book “The price of jewish

happiness”.