A Lesson From A Scorpion

A scorpion enlists a frog to take him on his back across a stream, even though the frog is astute enough to protest that the scorpion “will surely sting me and I will die.” The scorpion points out that if he stings the frog, he will die too. The trusting frog thus takes on his passenger, is stung by him, and the two creatures drown together. But before the frog drowns he asks, “Why did you sting me, Mr. Scorpion–it cost us both our lives?” to which the scorpion replies, acceptingly, “It is my nature. That’s what scorpions do.”

The story above explains how, if people identify themselves with violence and being bad, that is how they act. We are what we believe we are. We are all creatures of habit and we behave according to how we are identified. I really believe that once we have our kids identifying with a certain way of being and behaving, this is what we are going to see from them. It is crucial for us to learn to connect to our children in loving ways so they can start identifying themselves as good people. Connection is the most powerful tool we have. When we respond to negative behavior with an open heart and an offer to help children gain back emotional balance through reflection, children spring back with confidence and compassion.

Steps To Connection 

Connect with your child by making yourself available in a non-threatening, non-judgmental way. Be aware of your body language - lower your body, soften your face, and connect with a soft touch and eye contact. Talk to your child and be curious about what he is going through: “You’re irritated. That’s normal; I’m going to help you through this. You can count on me. Tell me more…”

Reframing the behavior to look at it from a new perspective. 

When we examine our children’s behavior and tell them that they need to do better, that they aren’t being kind, or that they have disappointed us, they come to relate our messages and words to who they are.  The message they take away is “I’m no good; I am bad; I cant do anything right.” Confused by our criticism and impatience with their natural impulses, they grow more fearful of our reactions and less focused on how to change their behavior. Many kids also give up and feel like the scorpion: “I’m doomed–this is who I am; my nature is to mess up and be bad.”  When you start listening to the message of behavior (not looking at what you see, but stepping into the experience your children are having) you can connect in ways that will help them regulate their emotions and strengthen their Thinking
Brain (cortex). 

When we connect before we look for solutions (punish, problem-solve) and support children with compassionate limits, they learn to reflect on their actions without the fear of being blamed, judged, or shamed. 

All kids step outside the boundaries. Many times it’s because they lack skills, are overwhelmed with stress, or are emotionally disengaged. Kids also test boundaries due to developmental changes. As parents,  we are learning, growing and molding ourselves to each one of our children. There are zero ways to be perfect parents, but countless ways to be a good parent. The path to connecting to our children is not about perfection, but about compassion and communication. We all mess up, and that’s okay! The goal is to make sure that at least 80% of the time the messages and words we send to our kids are molding them into the kind, responsible, caring human beings we hope they will grow up to be. As the saying goes: The way we talk to our children today becomes their inner voice tomorrow. 

 By Galit Meirov

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Galit Meirov, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist who provides marital, dating, and family therapy. Galit also specializes in helping children and families manage anxiety disorders. Galit can be reached at 646-354-3826 or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.