The Praise Craze

“You did a good job on the report.”

“I am so proud of you.”

“Wow, your painting is so pretty.”

“You are such an artist.”

There is a new parenting style in town called behavior affirmation. I am guilty of using behavior affirmation and I’m surrounded by moms and dad who practice it too.

“What is behavior affirmation?” It’s a practice where parents very strongly and regularly affirm their child. One of the most common examples is saying, “good job.”

But wait! Is there something wrong with affirming our children? Affirming our children is a wonderful thing to do, and we are doing it for the very best of reasons: to build up very strong children with self-worth. However, when we go too far down this “good jobbing” road, there are some major side effects. Alfie Kohn, an author and lecturer in the areas of education, parenting, and human behavior, discusses some of the pitfalls of “good jobbing” our children. For starters, when we constantly affirm our children, we are stealing their inner pleasure. Instead of a child saying “I did it” and getting a sense of pleasure for the work they do, they begin to come to us showing their drawing or piece of work, asking, “Is this good?” We don’t want to develop the need to be continually affirmed.  A compliment is just as much a value judgment as a negative judgment, and unfortunately steals a child’s pleasure and self-pride in their work.

Additionally, conventional compliments bring about a “watch me” dependency. When we constantly affirm, a child’s interest is only sustained as long as someone is watching. If a child continually needs you to watch everything they do, it affects the child’s ability to submerge into creative play and really become lost in the activity that they are doing. This takes them away from their therapeutic play space where they are allowed to be anyone they want and release any tension they have. They are truly losing their healing space.

Another negative side effect of our constantly affirming our children is that we are creating what Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, calls “praise junkies.” Praise junkies are kids who start to rely on their parents’ evaluation of what is good and bad. In other words, the child starts to rely on the extrinsic, rather than the intrinsic, knowledge that she has created something that her parents are pleased with.

Teenagers want to look smarter rather than get smarter. In her book Self Theories, Carol Dweck talks about how young adults will choose courses they are sure they will get A’s rather than take courses where they will learn more, but be stretched to their limits, or potentially get a lower grade. Kids are scared to take risks and lose the praise that they have come to rely on almost addictively. Yes, you read it right, validation can become an addiction and that’s a huge pitfall to our “good jobbing,” which encourages children to start to exaggerate their successes and brag in order to get our attention. Further, children may start to develop an over-inflated picture of their own ability because they never really meet any resistance, such as being told that something needs to be done over or differently. Many gentle and kind parents will run into a problem where their children are seen as snobby and aloof because of their unintentional constant affirmations.

 Last but not least, because many of us use affirmation as a tool to change our children’s behavior, children may begin to be charmingly manipulative. For example, if a parent wants a child to learn to share or to stop hitting they will tell their child: “You are a good boy and good boys don’t hit.” If a parent wants their child to sleep early they will tell them, “I’m so proud of you; you are such a good listener...” The child learns very quickly that he is only being praised to change. With that said, children learn to praise others to get their own way, rather than praise from a genuinely appreciative place.

If continual praising and affirming our kids has so many pitfalls, what are the alternatives?

Connect

Kim John Pain discusses how part of being truly present is staying silent - saying nothing! When a child is engaged in an activity or has done a particularly wonderful job, it’s possible to look with care and love in your eyes and say nothing! In our verbal culture, it is very difficult for us to be quiet. But, when we are quiet, we go to a conscious space where we can appreciate the creativity of the child, and we see the layers of what the child is trying to achieve. Unfortunately, if we use affirmations, speech, or good jobbing it is impossible to see our child’s journey.  Give this a try and you will be amazed at how much your child will enjoy it.

Observe

Point out what you see. For example: “You put your shirt on by yourself.” “You surely used a lot of red in that drawing.” “You did it!”  “Look at Elisheva’s face; she seems so happy now that you gave her back that ball.”

Tell me more…

Instead of “good jobbing,” ask questions about what you want to compliment. By asking questions we are getting curious and showing interest in our child’s achievements. For example, you might ask, “What was the hardest part to draw?” or, “How did you figure out how to make the head just the right size?” Or, “How did it feel when you did that?” When we ask questions, our kids have so much to say. When I asked my daughter about the dress she chose to draw, she was excited to tell me how this dress was the exact dress her dad bought her in the store last week, and that she couldn’t wait to draw it and color it. She told me that the shoes she drew were the shoes her grandmother got her for Rosh Hashana. She went on and on about the details of her picture. If I were to say, “good job” or “what a pretty picture,” I would never hear the wonderful intention behind her drawing.

Victories

A positive way to use affirmations is through what Dr. Miriam Adahan, author of What Really Works With Kids, calls victories. Victories are a way of using affirmation to point out the smallest acts of self-control in our children. By pointing out our children’s acts of self-restraint we are teaching them to build their midos muscles. Our goal is not to change them or to manipulate them into behaving better, but rather to help them focus on their ultimate goodness, and what they are capable of. This method is the ultimate genuine affirmation where we delve into what we appreciate the most about our child.  The victory language helps create a more peaceful and loving environment.

For example, if your child impulsively hits other children when he gets upset, focus on the many times he holds himself back and let him know by telling him specifically what you observed: “You got very upset when your sister took the toy from you and you wanted to hit her but you didn’t!! What a victory!”

Nonviolent Communication

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication, discusses three steps of showing appreciation:

1. Express the actions that has contributed to our well-being
2. Mention the particular need of ours that has been fulfilled
3. State the feelings of pleasure that came about as a result

At a recent children’s worry/anxiety workshop I gave, a mother came up to me and she used the NVC 3-step method to thank me: (1) I really appreciated the tools and techniques you gave the children. Specifically, the tools on worst case, best case and most likely case scenario. (2) I felt very hopeful and relieved now that I have these tools to help my child with his fears, and (3) I have a child that I couldn’t understand, and I was desperately searching for ways to help him. After learning all the tools and techniques in your workshop, I can connect to him and support him in the ways that he needs me to.

Hearing her observation, feelings, and needs about my workshop helped me celebrate the appreciation with her. 

Dr. Rosenberg states that sometimes all three can be conveyed by a smile or a simple “Thank you.”

A way to use NVC appreciation method when you want to validate your child goes something like this: “When I read your essay about the brain, I felt excited and appreciative. I enjoyed learning and discovering new things. I also got clarity about many things I wasn’t sure about.” (For the NVC Needs and Feelings List please email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..)

Appreciation NVC-style may cause us to be more vulnerable to share our feelings and needs directly and honestly. NVC focuses on the clarity of our experience and not on judging our child through praise. Marshall describes all “praise and compliments to be life-alienating; it establishes the speaker as someone who sits in judgments.”

Let’s not to sit in judgment.  Let’s be more vulnerable and authentic, and model a genuine way of appreciation to our children. In the end, appreciation will help deepen the connection between us and our children.

Galit Levi, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist who provides marital, dating, and family therapy.  She facilitates children’s workshops on worry and anxiety. Galit can be reached at 646-354-3826 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..