Fathers And Children: Mutual Understanding Or Conflict

It would seem an eternal problem. And although it does not have an unequivocal solution, there are quite a few verified points of experience that tilt the scales of this most important sphere of family ties to one side or another. This is especially true of relationships with adult children, who should not be put in a situation where respect and reverence for parents can turn into a heavy burden for them.

Imagine, dear reader, such a situation. Your son/daughter declares that he/she intends to link their destiny with that particular person whom you know well enough, but who, unfortunately, for some reason or another, you do not like. What to do? Should you strongly obstruct that decision based on the principle: it’s either he/she or we, parents? Or should you try in a well-argued and calm manner convince your son/daughter of the hastiness of the intended step? Or should you, otherwise, delicately, without complicating the relationship, agree with the choice of your son/daughter?

There is no clear answer to the questions posed. One thing is obvious – there, most likely, should be no sudden movements and categorical judgments in such a situation. It requires extreme caution, patience, delicacy. There are no written rules or laws in such situations. Another thing is clear: phenomena of this kind are strictly individual, unique, and therefore need an extremely careful attitude, the ability to take into account not only momentary emotions, likes and dislikes, but also, if possible, foresee their consequences.

In this regard it is the immigration that put forward a lot of new, earlier unprecedented problems of the topic touched upon by us. Take, for example, the recently all-powerful dad, who knew how to “arrange” an apartment for the newlyweds, and find prestigious jobs for them, or get a consumer shortage item. All of a sudden such a father finds himself in America, out of the picture, without language, without work, etc. In this case, which is not so rare, how should relationships between fathers and children be built?

For many parents, such circumstances turned out to be the greatest incentive for self-affirmation in a new country, which required a lot of strength and perseverance. And there are plenty of examples around this.

Well, but if it does not work out, if English doesn’t come easily to the head, or if it’s already too late to dream of a former prestigious job, especially for those over 40-50? There can be several scenarios in such situations. Certain facts are not excluded, when circumstances of this kind exacerbate the estrangement between the older and younger generations, sometimes reaching a complete rupture of the relations. Some children even have a feeling of superiority and shyness for their “loser” parents.

Along with that attitude some totally different principles can be observed – when children, concerned about the vulnerable situation of their parents who lost their former social status, do their best to smooth out and mitigate the negative impact of numerous, especially psychological, aspects of a new life on their parents. “It was not easy for my father, a professional musician, and mother, a school teacher, to settle in America,” says NYU graduate, future dentist Rena D., “Dad worked as a taxi driver and also in the bakery, while Mom worked as a home attendant, now they are both on the SSI. Is it possible to erase from the memory how much good they have done to me and my family? Neither I, nor my husband, nor our children can spend a day without them. Today, more than ever, we need good advice from my parents, their attention.”

Dear friends! What do you think, why do relationships between parents and children develop so differently, why does an atmosphere of mutual understanding and respect prevail in some families, and conflicts and alienation reign in others? Write to us, share your opinion!