Seven Ways To Mourn A Friend

Judaism  recognizes seven immediate family members as mourners: mother/father, son/daughter, brother/sister, and spouse. If you are outside of that circle of relationship, the traditions and restrictions of mourning do not apply to you, but you are also in pain and need a way to grieve for their friend who passed away.

There is no right or wrong way to mourn. Everyone has to move through the grief at their own pace and in their own way. However, here are some suggestions for 7 ways to mourn a friend:

1. Support the mourners:Many people who lose a friend find find comfort in helping the mourners during the shivah week. They help prepare food, organize the practical details, and keep their household running. In this way, they feel that they’ve done something for their friend who passed away.
2. Acknowledge your loss: When we lose a friend, the mourning can feel doubly hard because it is not visible. Generally everyone in the community knows when someone is sitting shivah. But your community and even many of your friends are not likely to know if you are mourning a close friend. Often we even dismiss our own emotions of loss and grief, feeling that we have no ‘right’ to mourn. Refusing to acknowledge our loss only increases our pain and can lead to what is known as ‘complicated grief’, which is when the grieving process never ends. Making the leap to talk about your loss helps you to move forwards, and opens you up to support from others too.
3. Do something in memoriam:Be involved in preparing something meaningful in the memory of the deceased, like raising money for a charity that was close to his/her heart. The organizing and preparation of events that honor the dead also creates a space in your own life to focus on the person you’ve lost.
4. Gather together: Gathering the deceased’s close friends together for a meal, where you all share your memories of him/her, is a good way to support each other’s mourning process. When a young mother passed away suddenly a few years ago, her friends had a potluck dinner a few weeks later. They took it in turns to share one memory. It was a moving and special (and at times very funny) evening which was comforting for everyone. 
5. Mark the passage of time:Marking the sheloshim (thirty days after death) and yahrzeit (annual anniversary of the day of death) are important steps in mourning a friend. Sometimes our greatest pain comes from our inability to acknowledge that we are in pain. Lighting a candle or arranging an event is a way of expressing that we have lost someone we care about, and just that simple act of articulation can help the mourning process. 

One woman I know arranges a day of good deeds and positive speech every year on her friend’s yahrzeit. She feels that it keeps her friend’s memory alive. Often friends will just get together to share their memories doing something that the deceased would have enjoyed. I know someone who arranged a picnic on the beach on her friend’s yahrzeit. 

6. Be at the shivah:Many people who have lost a close friend try to spend time at the shivah house every day.  The shivah house is the place where everything is focused on remembering the deceased. You don’t have to pretend to be ok. You get to talk about and hear about your friend. It is a protective atmosphere that encourages everyone present to mourn and grieve, which is a vital step in the healing process.
7. Give it time:Whatever you do, be prepared for it to be painful for a very long time. There is no substitute for allowing time to do its work.

What have you found to be helpful when mourning a friend?