I’m sorry, you don’t get a sticker; you didn’t follow the rules!” my three-year-old said as we were playing pretend school. She was communicating (through play) an experience she encountered and needed help working through. As we continued to play, she kept mentioning that she is very sorry but I cannot get the sticker. She asked me to be sad, so I simply followed her lead.
Richard Lingard said that you can learn more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. This was very true for me in my interaction with my daughter. She was telling me something through play that she could never verbalize to me in words. Dr. Garry Landreth, a great teacher and leader in the field of play therapy and author of The Art of the Relationship, said that play relieves stress, enhances connections in relationships, stimulates creative expression and exploration, and helps regulate emotions. Dr. Landreth has gone on to explain that toys are the child’s words and playing itself is the child’s language. As my daughter continued to play, I continued to follow her lead. I reflected her feelings by using phrases that reflected her emotional state, such as, “you want to show me how sad you feel when you get in trouble,” or “you’re feeling angry.” Reflecting is a simple but powerful tool to use with kids. By reflecting a child’s process and feelings expressed in play and play themes, we give the child a vocabulary of feelings. More importantly, by reflecting the child’s play and emotions, we make children feel understood and validated. The child experiences a connection with you that is often different from any other relationship they have. It is through this relationship and our ability to communicate with the child that a child feels safe, understood, validated, and begins to gain confidence. In this playful interaction, my little one was working through her hurt feelings while processing and understanding an incident she had gone through. Through playing and connecting, she was able to allow herself to explore what was happening and move on. Children thrive on play; it’s how they learn and communicate. Unfortunately, it’s so easy to forget the importance and hidden gems of this life-affirming activity.
Research indicates that children whose parents actively utilize playful parenting strategies have healthy and strong bonds with their parents. It is also found that children whose parents engage in playful parenting have stronger bonds with other children.
In addition to a child’s emotional health, I have found over the years while providing play therapy services for children and families, that helping parents develop habits of bringing play into their daily interactions with their children has had a profoundly positive effect on the quality of the parent-child relationship. Also, it has supported the child’s progress in therapy. Studies prove that when we connect through play we are actually aiding with the growth of the child’s brain! Chemicals like oxytocin and serotonin flood the brain when we engage in play and calm the brain. The release of oxytocin makes children smarter, strengthens the immune system, and blocks the release of cortisol, a stress hormone. Play is brain food; it’s our emotional nutrition.
Here are five of my most highly recommended games and some of their benefits:
Hide and go seek: Builds a child’s organizational skills, working memory, ability to plan, and flexible thinking. Impulse control is built when playing because children have to stay quiet until found. In addition, emotion control is strengthened because a child may be a bit scared to wait and not know where his parent is and how long it will take but they really want to play so they keep going. Working through separation is part of the game. If a child has separation anxiety, we are practicing - on a playful level - transitioning from separation to reuniting again. Through hide and go seek, kids practice courage and foster independence as we allow them the autonomy to find a place to hide.
Bubbles: The deep breathing required to blow bubbles is a great relaxation and stress relief. Have your child blow really hard and fast on the bubble wand that has solution on it. Is will most likely spray goo everywhere. Then practice blowing long and slow, which is a great cooling down technique. Blowing bubbles has been known to calm and refocus children. Have your child fill up the room with bubbles. Talk about the things that are stressing them out and encourage them to release those feelings in the bubbles as they float away. This is a great way to be more mindful and a great way to learn to self-regulate.
Father may I: One child is the leader while the rest of the children ask, “Mother may I take…” a certain amount of steps, hops, jumps, or leaps to get to the leader. The leader approves or disapproves. This game is a great way to practice self regulation skills that help children control their emotions, thoughts, behavior, and motor actions in different situations. Throughout the day, children need the ability to tolerate sensations, situations and form appropriate responses. “Father may I” teaches children to control their impulses while engaging and participating in a social activity.
Freeze/Focus: Throughout the day, you or your child yell “Freeze.” Both freeze for 10 seconds. When freeze is over, both share three things you noticed (saw, heard, etc.) during the freeze. This is a great way to bond, reconnect, and strengthen attachment in the parent-child relationship. It is also a great practice of mindfulness. For anxious children, it is a great way to practice being in the here and now. This helps ease anxiety and give the child more tools on how to cope with an anxious feeling.
Pretend play: Pretend play has been linked to emotional regulation, language skills, cognitive reasoning, and problem-solving skills. It allows children to practice life. This is how children work out uncomfortable, distressing feelings. Through pretend play, your child unravels her deepest emotions and seeks to connect with you in this non-threatening shared experience. This is where reflecting is key. It is a simple but powerful tool where we notice how a child is feeling (happy, sad, frustrated, jealous, angry, etc.) and then we verbalize back to the child what we notice: “I see you are feeling angry,” or “You seem to be jealous that your brother got a sticker and you didn’t.”
As a mental health counselor with specialized training in play therapy, it may surprise you that playing with my children is something I have to work hard at incorporating. Even as a credentialed play therapist, playing with my children takes practice and intention. So if playing with your children doesn’t come naturally to you, cut yourself some slack. The best place to start is by creating rituals around play. Sunday funday is a great way to start where the whole family spends some time together playing games. Shabbat is also a great time to set rituals around play, when the family can play after kiddush. Bedtime is a wonderful time to create rituals around play, when children and parents can connect before separating for the night. Whether it’s a silly game of make-believe or a board game, when we play we connect and offload any stresses that may be building up or are being held onto. Dr. Peter Levine, an expert in the field of trauma, says, “Trauma is not what happens to us but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathic witness….”
Let’s be that empathic witness for our children through play.
By Galit Meirov
Galit Meirov LMFT, RPT-S, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist - Supervisor who specializes in the treatment of anxiety in children and adults as well as couples therapy and a parenting coaching. Galit also gives parent-child workshops on bullying and anxiety. To contact Galit call (646) 354-3826 or e-mail her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
The Power Of Play
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