Message from the Publisher

Last Sunday, at about 8:15 p.m., I received a call from an active individual in our community.  He asked if I was available to come to an important meeting that was taking place in our neighborhood.  I asked him the time and location of the meeting, to which he responded, “Tonight, at about 8:30 p.m. in Bet Gavriel.” I told him that it was already 8:15, but he replied, “Please take the Mrs. and try to come.”  I asked my wife to get ready.  When we got to Bet Gavriel, I was amazed at the turnout.  I thought there was going to be a couple of rabbis, myself, and several other key people in the community.  Instead, there were about 20 women and 7 men.  This meeting was held to tackle the issue of the many single adults who are already beyond their normal age of marriage.  The women that came were all shadchaniot, matchmakers, from all over New York: Manhattan, Brooklyn, Long Island, Queens, and I think there was even a representative from Monsey.  I was truly amazed with the turnout for such short notice, and also that there are so many people trying hard to find matches for our single population.

During the meeting, various matchmakers and rabbis spoke. The major message shared was that this is a major crisis that needs to be handled collectively and on a larger scale.  There was talk about merging some of the databases that each of the women have, in order to give more options to singles. The message was that there are not only a large number of single individuals but there are also a growing number of divorced couples.  Back and forth the ladies went on how important it is for the different matchmakers to unite and share each other’s contacts. I think this was the first meeting of its kind where many matchmakers got together in a single room and discussed this pressing issue.  It even got to a point where the matchmakers said that they are willing to forgo the fee that they usually charge and work on whatever the singles give.  I was intrigued to hear such ahavat Israel, love for fellow Jews.

As the meeting was winding down, the community rabbis got a chance to talk.  One rabbi hit the nail on the head. He said that a lot of what is going on in this massive singles crisis has to do with the parents themselves.  He said that the parents are raising their children with very few values.  He mentioned how the parents put value on where the wedding is going to be and how the flowers are going to look, and what fancy dress they are going to buy the bride and the mother of the bride, but they’re leaving out the real important things in life.

Our children are being raised without understanding the value of the word “no.” We give our children everything, from spacious homes to expensive clothing to cars that cost more than the average family’s salary.  How many times have you seen a child who does not know how to spell already wearing UGG shoes, a Zara suite, an Abercrombie coat, or sporting a fancy watch that is bigger than his fist? How many of us spoil our girls to no extent? Why? Because we were not privileged enough to be raised like this, so we think we will show our kids how to live large.  This is truly a mistake.  Instead of teaching our kids the value of struggling, hard work, perseverance, the value of money, and the value of “no,” we are teaching them that there are no bounds when it comes to their happiness.  They have the latest gadgets, the latest styles, and the latest trends.

A single may wonder, why would I want to get married to someone if all my needs are met at home?  Why would I want to leave comfort, luxury, and style to a life of a new beginning with someone I don’t really know, someone that will not be able to care for me as my parents did?  Even if that single musters up enough courage to actually get married, the first time they hear a “no” from their spouse, it creates a totally new world, a world of reality that many nowadays do not want to face.  The minute that married couple faces a small struggle, separation and divorce become the quickest and easiest option.  We must teach our children that “no” is a valuable answer that they must accept at times.

We live in a society where everything is “now.” We all want our efforts to bear fruit instantly.  We have instant messaging, instant FaceTime, and instant meals–our lifestyles are built on the push of a button.  A child cries for a moment and we immediately give them what they’re crying for.  Once results are too far-fetched, most of us do not make the effort to continue.  Gyms have capitalized on this concept.  A member signs up thinking he is going to turn into Arnold Schwarzenegger overnight. He spends $300 for a yearly membership, uses the membership for two weeks, sees that no real results have occurred, rests for a couple of days, and ends up never going back to the gym.  This has happened to many of us.  In marriage, many of us see a struggle; we see that results are hard to reach. We were brought up with everything being there for us, and finally we make the wrong decision by getting divorced.  Marriage is an institution that we all need to sign up for as early in life as possible.  It’s an institution that has to be built up from the ground up.  We must start the foundations of the marriage of our kids in our homes by getting them ready with real values, not worldly desires.  We must teach our children that to build a home takes years, and each brick one puts in this institution called marriage is equivalent to putting a brick in the Bet Hamikdash. 

Until next time.